The Way You Are


I have had a very very short time on earth and in that little period I have seen so many people underrate themselves, under-value themselves and some just plainly look at themselves and see absolutely nothing worthy. To me, this is simply a recipe for disaster.

Human beings will seek to get as much as they can from such people, be it physical or material as long as they are sure that you don’t know your worth and are simply looking for people to approve of you.

Well today, true to my style and theme I write this to all insecure girls out there and hope this helps you.

I can’t speak for everyone out there but for myself I would say, I’m a decent guy(at least many babes have told me so) :p and I will like to believe that there are a number of decent guys out there.

I tend to always want to look out for the best in people. Half the time I ignore their faults and although it comes back to haunt me a lot I always feel I have done my teeny weeny bit in helping the person.

And if I tell a girl I like her, tharizzit for me. But I’ve come to learn that many girls will rather block someone out because of insecurity issues and other related woman palaver but how I wish that for that moment in time they will just trust that we are not all out to ‘use and dump’ you.

This is my Motto:
If I meet a girl and she thinks she is ugly, not my fault, I like you just the way you are.

If I tell you I like your feet and you tell me you think you have ‘yams’, I like you just the way you are.

You hide a part of you when we are in deep conversations, well I would like you to give me more but still I like you just that way.

I tell you that you have a wonderful shape and all you see is a fat blurb, well I like you just the way you are.

I tell you that you have nice eyes, you say you need contact lenses, I like you just that way.

I tell you that you have a great sense of humor but you keep hiding that part of you because your ‘ex’ didn’t like you, I still like you that way.

I tell you that you dress well but you like going out mostly at night so that people won’t scrutinize you that much, well I like you that way.

Believe me just this once and let us together come out of this dark alley you find yourself in.

All I’m saying is, not all guys want a perfect girl and a girl that is ‘all that’. All we want is someone who is comfortable in their own skin and who is ready to learn and improve herself. #shikena

But you see, even as a decent guy there is a limit to which I can ignore your insecurities and not allow it affect me.

Another ‘decent’ guy might not be so patient and quickly move on to the next P and leave you in a worse condition.

Other guys will happily do ‘chop & clean mouth’. (God dey)

You need to start to see a better you before anyone else will see a better you.

You need to build your confidence and not depend on your mood or state of mind to know whether to smile or not.

There is someone out there that will fall absolutely and madly in love with you ‘THE WAY YOU ARE’ but you have to be ready and allow them love you. If not, they will get away.

Now you might ask how does someone go from being insecure to being a confident person.

*inserts beyonce’s Who Run The World*
I might not like her but in ‘your own world’ you have to first believe that you run it. You are in charge of your life and only you can determine what goes on in there.

You have to have a great structure support i.e. Family and friends. Refer to my post on this topic so that you understand who and what friends and family really are and the role they are to play.

For me, you have to have a personal and wonderful relationship with GOD. There are things that only He can understand and will definitely just calm your nerves and give you an unexplainable warmth in your heart. Don’t believe me, Try it today?

Ask yourself this question: when you wake up in the morning and look at the mirror what do you see?

So, again I have come with all my crazy and funny stuff I know, I wrote this 1month ago but it didn’t feel right to post it then.

Insecurity has robbed people of discovering themselves. Now all we see is people bending themselves to fit the ‘spec’ of the person they are with at any particular time. This is so not right! Or is it?

What’s your take on the whole issue?

How can you and I be of help to people that are insecure?

How can we make relationshiposphere a better place?

As usual share your opinions in the comment box.
Cheers.

P.S. For the first time I wrote on someone else’s blog and tried my hands on humour. Check it out at http://kevinwithanl.wordpress.com , its titled Must Read. Lemme know what you think. Thanks.

Adieu Dr. Bassey Obono


Dr. Bassey Obono

Today the 6th of July should have been a day we all celebrated in my neighborhood. This year, we Can’t. My brother @seunbule writes here and tells us why.

Dr. Bassey Obono, my best friend, my brother and my colleague.

Everyday i wake up, i always thank God that i experienced what it is to have a friend who really understood the word ‘friendship’ and what it entailed.

The sad events of January 31st, 2011 have deprived me of this, i have chosen not cry despite the fact that the thought of you leaving still makes tears fill my eyes. I have chosen rather to remember the good times we shared as close friends.

Our childhood days in National Orthopaedic Hospital will forever remain cherished in my heart.

We were one big family with the with the Enadeghes, Tijanis, Onubogus, Akpamas, popoolas, solankes with all our family friends itching to spend their holidays in ‘IGBOBI’ because of the tight bonds we all had.

We all looked forward to 4pm then so we could ride bicycles(of which you and i were always coming tops). Wonderful times we spent playing football, you were a marvelous goalkeeper and transformed yourself to the best defender ever when you got older.

You had an amazingly artistic mind and this is evident by how many games you came up with back then. Crime City Chase, robocop and ninja turtles(on paper) e.t.c.

seun and bassey wayyyyy back.

Our days in Kings college when your dad took us all in the morning and my dad came to pick us up in the afternoon.

Even though we were not in the same arm, we maintained our friendship and when femi and i were chucked off into boarding house i remember times when i was on your neck to go to my folks to send us pocket money and food(laughs) and you never complained and i still believe i owe you for that.

We started A’ Level classes  and wrote the exams together and proceeded to medical school but in different institutions. I must confess that this brought a strain in our closeness as the distance between both schools coupled with the fact that we hardly came home because of the nature of our courses. I thank God we pulled through.

You started your Housemanship before me at LUTH as i remember you received the call up letter when we were both watching a football match during the 2010 world cup.

I rounded up my program and quickly rushed to come join you at LUTH and when this eventually came to pass i felt xo confident and comfortable knowing you were there for me.

My dreams Alas! wont come true. :(

As i was about to resume, you left the shores of this earth.

I miss you everyday and it is impossible for me to forget you.

Many other people that knew you have also given wonderful testimonies to how a wonderful and caring friend you were.

Your Legacy Lives on.

If you were around today, you would have been 25yrs old but i still celebrate and continue to pray for your soul rests in perfect peace.

@bule_jr: skiiii, i miss you, you taught me how to drive and you were the other senior brother my mum didn’t birth. I know you are in a better place. Continue to rest in Peace.

Death has never hit home for my brother and i until bassey left us. You wont know the value of life until it happens to someone really close to you.
Live your life like everyday is your last. You don’t know when you might have to go see the Master. Always be ready.

 

at 9.00pm this day bassey was gone :(

The Veil


This is a post someone sent to me to read and I just decided to share with people.

It’s an amazing piece and I hope someone leaves this place today with some lessons learned and a couple of tips.

Enjoy!

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question.

This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Jane so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and fell asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain.

From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

Normally I would write something here and try to make sense of this story. But today I will leave you guys to just do the talking.

Cheers.

“The Concept Of Dating”


cute couple

cute couple

What is about dating that can be so hard at times. I mean c’man, a guy meets a girl or a girl meets a guy and after a couple of ‘hang outs’ they realise they have some chemistry and decide to go into a relationship. I mean in a nutshell this is what it is(or supposed to be) plus or minus a few things. Right? No?
What now makes it so complicated?

Why is it that it takes over your whole life and consumes you when its supposed to complement you and make you a better person?

Why does it make us act silly most of the time instead of helping to fine tune our lives?

So many questions, yet so few answers.

I am no expert and this isn’t entirely original but let’s discuss on certain rules that might/should/could/ help relationships.

1. Dating Rule #1: Don’t Lose Who You Are

Your first priority in a relationship – no matter what kind of a relationship you are in – is to be yourself. To do that, you’ll need to love yourself by ensuring you are ready to date before taking the plunge, as well as having a strong sense of self-worth and esteem.

2. Dating Rule #2: Ensure Every Date is Fun

Not only does trying to make your date happy make you feel good, but it is also one of the first signs of attraction. And studies have shown that when taking someone out on a date, the primary way your date will be determined a success of is how much fun was had. Err? Ok

3. Dating Rule #3: Communicate Well and Clearly

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without strong communication. In essence, communication is the bridge that forms between partners, helping them create a sacred space in the middle ground where they meet in order to foster love and intimacy. Without clear communication, two people who seem like they are connected romantically to outsiders truly aren’t; instead they just going through the motions, lacking the intimacy they require to move forward, together.

4. Dating Rule #4: Be a Strong Negotiator

When communication alone isn’t enough to weather a relationship through stormy times, negotiation skills come into play. In order to work through the issues that arise in these kinds of circumstances, both partners must be able and willing to negotiate. When done with respect and awareness, negotiation can be the key to unlock a shared bright future.

5. Dating Rule #5: Nurture Your Relationship

All dating relationships require tender loving care in order to thrive. Daily appreciation, respect, attentiveness, reciprocity and kindness all work towards showing your partner that you cherish them and value their contribution to your life.

6. Dating Rule #6: Touch

Now every person in a relationship needs to have that physical connection and needs to ‘feel’ loved and cared for. A cuddle while watching a movie or Afmag, holding hands on the beach, or plain stroking of the hair. Might seem small but trust me it goes a long way, especially for them ladies. :D trust me there is a place for physical touch.

7. Dating Rule #7: Space

Its hard for many couples to understand that not every trouble faced or fight must be sorted out by talking about it immediately. Especially for girls, many times a guy just wants to be alone and clear his thoughts. If and when he does that he will call/text you. And by the way this counts also not only when you fight but when he just wants to hang with the guys. Give him that room to just be free without nagging or wanting to tag along. He will miss you soon enough and come crawling back.

8. Dating Rule #8: Trust

Even I don’t know what to write about this but just know it has to be there some how. No and I repeat *shouting* NO relationship will work without trust. You have to let go and let GOD if not there’s no point being in it.

After writing this and looking through them myself, I have but one conclusion: THERE
ARE NO FREAKING RULES AS TO HOW TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP LAST LONGER PERIOD
.
Who says if you do all these it will last?
Who says not doing any won’t make it last?
I could have written more but said I should leave them out for you all to share in the comment box.
And also please share anything that has helped you in times past; your words of wisdom could save a relationship today. *winks*

P.S coming from the writer of the ‘DIET’ err #6 might not be the way for everybody. #okbye

Cheers.

dating Tips?

dating Tips?

The Bad Spouse: The Tale Of The Gold-Digger(s)


My first ever guest writer @MsWilliams_ gives us a look at the world of female Gold Diggers …. Its the concluding part to our bad spouse series.

Enjoy

Confessions/Tales of a gold digger

When did it become acceptable to be a gold-digger?

Let me start by giving you an insight to the term ‘Gold-digger’. 
Any woman whose primary interest in a relationship is material benefits or a woman who cares more about a man’s bank account than she does about the man is a ‘gold digger.’

After all, isn’t a woman who sleeps with a man for money – or at least for extensive use of his credit card – called something else?

But then, ‘prostitute’ doesn’t have quite the same glamorous, diamond-encrusted platinum ring to it, does it?

Who needs sexual chemistry when you can have cold hard cash right?

Karen is an attractive intelligent young girl but underneath the pretty tousled hair and shiny Chanel handbags, the message is an ugly one.

‘Okay I’m tired of beating around the bush, I’m a beautiful 25 year old girl. I am articulate & classy, I am looking to get married to a guy that makes at least 5-6 million a year, I know how that sounds but keep in mind that 5 million a year is middle class in nigeria so I don’t think I’m overreacting at all’.

This is a young lady who doesn’t even have her own pot to piss in but she is good living off other guy’s money.

The image of womanhood that the gold-digger propagates is one of a greedily acquisitive airhead. She never reads a book or a newspaper, but knows the ticket price for the latest designer handbag.

Consumption replaces affection. 

Her diamante sandals may be lovely and sparkly, but she tarnishes all of us.

I have friends who are dating rich men just to get designer clothes and jewellery, and one who was seeing a 60-year-old just so he would pay for her to have breast implants

‘Forget tall, dark & handsome. Even love is an optional extra, what I am looking for in a man is a nice fat bank account’ said Lorna, during one of our conversations on a girls night out. Lorna has been dating Micheal, who is 60 years old for about 6-7 months now, they do have sex, and she says: ‘I love him,’ although whether she’d love him if he was a street sweeper is an open question. -_-

‘Would love make me rich or would it feed me. ‘I was not born with a silver spoon & for me to survive in this cold heartless world, I have to use my assets to get what I am’ said Claire as she interrupted Lorna.

These are quotes from a couple of girls who are content with their life style & do not wish to alter what they do. They enjoy it & it makes them happier than love would ever do. 

Some women love money & the trappings of success but they also have a lazy streak, so instead of working hard at making their own money, they look for a free ride, fueled of course by your money but your time & energy as well.

What’s interesting about the new breed of gold-diggers is that they tend to be well-educated and come from good families like karen. But she finds more pleasure gold digging & feels its her way to independence instead of relying on the families wealth :s

A man exists in a gold digging world not as an equal partner in a kind, loving, relationship, but merely as someone to be fleeced for as much money as possible.

It is worth saying that the men are not blameless in this unpleasant sex for designer clothes/ jewellery/breast implants transaction. A man who buys a woman is no better than the woman who agrees to sell herself. It all reduces human interaction to the level of a business deal.

How depressing and how insulting to the millions of women who don’t live their lives according to these mercenary rules.

Some women are trifling, some don’t want to work, most are materialistic & for some its a ‘Gift of gab” that they got. They use what they got (ASSets) to get what they want. 

Looking further ahead, do these girls know the sort of deal they are doing? They are not only throwing away any moral sense, but also their independence, control of their own lives and self-respect.

I know a man who has never married. He’s not gay, hideous or furious, he doesn’t have eczema, halitosis, twitch, stammer or deformed genitalia. He doesn’t live with his mother neither is a plane spotter. He is independently wealthy, attractive, cultured, amusing, kind & popular. He has been in & out of relationships, mainly because the sole purpose of the girls being attracted to him in the first place was his wealth & nothing more. One of his Ex-girlfriends actually joked & said ‘If not because of your bank account, we wouldn’t have gotten this far in this relationship’

The real reason he can’t sign up to marriage is because he fears that all women are only really after his wealth & the family silver, the frugally milked blue chip portfolio & his hand made shirts. any woman he fancies must, as heads follow tails, be out to pick his pocket & empty his safe. He knows that the evolutionary purpose of every woman is to find a male, fleece him, skin him & throw him back a broken shivering pauper. My friend is extreme but he’s not alone. 

I know some  men who are rich, comfortable, working full time & earning good money but are scared of dating because they think all the woman might be attracted to is the size of their bank accounts.

I don’t blame them really. 
Times have changed but the concept remains the same. Whether we like it or not, many women still wish (sometimes subconsciously or quietly) for someone who can be a bread winner for various reasons. 

I write as someone who could have taken the gold-digger route I didn’t take the gold-digger route because I think it is wrong. It is insulting to men and it cheapens women. Every woman who does it polishes an image of womankind that the rest of us then have to try to argue against. 

Most women are seeking wealthy partners who can provide for them, prioritising financial security over other factors like romance, love, looks & compatibility.

Another question is Why  some men are only  interested in a woman’s superficial look? Why are they content to value appearance  over personality traits?

Who knows, I say the two deserve each other– the gold digger who sells herself for money & the man who wants the woman solely for her outside appearance & to show her off like some kind of trophy or apparel. 

When I explain that I have never dated a man for his money, nor have any of my girlfriends, that we have jobs and homes of our own and we wouldn’t dream of expecting a boyfriend to provide either, they look at me with disbelief. 

While we are the majority, the sad fact is, we are all judged as a result of things like this. It makes us all look cheap

But the line between the girl who asks for cash up front and the one who is taken to a designer boutique to choose the latest handbag is surely now as thin as the strap on a La Perla push-up bra.

Girls are not smiling :|
_________

Shout out to @MsWilliams_ for the piece because there’s no way in the world i could have known all this stuff about girls.
So there we have it, the end of the Bad spouse series. I’m sure there are so many more issues to deal with than this few up here but we didn’t want to bore everyone but we will like you to share your views, thoughts and experiences in the comment section.

Cheers.

The real deal


Do you know yourself?

Do you know yourself?

It amazes me every passing day that the concept and purpose of relationships is getting more lost on the youth. We seem to use different and at times meaningless values in identifying people of interest to us. Some people are rather keen on ‘testing the waters’ while others are plain ‘thirsty’ and thus anything will do.

Yes I know we are all different and we can not all play by the same rules but it’s my honest opinion that there are certain things that should be considered before getting into and staying in any form of committed relationship.
(Let’s be clear this is just my side of the coin, the comments section is for your side).

1. Discover yourself: who are you? This question sounds so odd and can easily be tossed out of the window, but truth is many people don’t know who they are and thus have no idea what they want from life! A good friend (now a pastor) told me once that “you can only attract what you are”. This statement is partly correct in the sense that the type of person you become will go a long way in determining the kind of spectrum of the opposite sex that you will feel most comfortable with and its likely from such a pool that one will end up finding someone to go into any sort of commitment with. The reason I said partly correct is because this doesn’t apply to everyone but is often true in most of the cases.
Spend time knowing yourself before adding the burden of discovering someone else to your life. In the long run it pays off..
*I got my first girlfriend in SS3, very naïve and had no idea what to do but gladly went ahead with it because I wanted to ‘feel among’. I ended up only looking forward to the physical side to the relationship and paid little attention to developing actual bonds and dealing with real issues. This relationship quickly broke down as soon as the lady in question went to school outside Nigeria – lesson learnt*

2. Have a stable group of friends: now this is one principle that is grossly understated and misunderstood. Understated in the sense that people don’t value true friendships and misunderstood in the sense that people do not know what/who actual friends are. Let me give you a quick example, in your class in school or at work, you have friends, work/course-mates, seat partners, reading partners, colleagues, people you say hi to and people that are just in your office/class. You cannot be friends with everyone that’s in your circle. A friend is that person that even if you want to deny it, you know is always there for you. Take a look back, relationships have come and gone but certain people have remained permanent in your life. Their role: they know you quite well and always let you know if you’re going about stuff the wrong way, they should be the first to meet the new ‘catch’ and if the new catch blends in quickly with your ‘paddies’, trust me it breaks a lot of ice for the 2 of you.
*After finishing high school, I kept a few friends close to me (2 in particular) and we soon formed an inseparable bond and we subconsciously scrutinized prospective dates and ensured they felt at home with us, as one girlfriend (name withheld) at the time said, “marry femi and you know you are marrying three men”, they have also helped in turning away girls who they felt will be negative influences on me (again names withheld). But most importantly, they will let me have the truth, even when I prefer to be in denial*.

3. Tread New Paths: There is nothing better in a relationship than in the two people finding new common grounds and discovering new things about themselves. Do not try to imitate another couple simply because you think they are perfect or have it all worked out. Remember, human beings(especially us Nigerians) like to form and you can never see from a persons face, what is really going on, so tread carefully. A happy looking couple could very well be facing a lot of problems behind closed doors and do well to eclipse that aspect from public eyes. Find what works for you and stick to it.
*i wish I had an experience to fill in here but sadly, I only came about this after the last break-up and will really go for it with the next ‘catch’*.

*side – note* A blog that’s too long will bore people out so I have to make this into a two or maybe three part series and stop just there.

A person who spends quality time finding and developing themselves will obviously be more mature than his/her counterparts; as we all know maturity is definitely not by age. If they end up finding someone who has done the same, it will surely lead to a better relationship. I asked on twitter recently what is love, and got the weirdest answers and it dawned on me that people still see love as a tangible and materialistic thing. I don’t have the perfect answer but I am positive that its not just a tangible or materialistic thing but its more of a school of thought and a way of life. I can’t just love someone, someone has to look at me and see love in me. Again that’s just me, what’s your own take?

Together

Together