Good Ol’ Ego


I’ve had the privilege of studying a great number of couples out on dates and it is undeniable the powerful effects money can have, positive and negative, on relationships.

Without doubt, one of the ways best favoured by people to bond with others is over a good meal and this, on a daily, brings a lot of clientele through the doors of the rather distinguished establishment in which I offer my services. I receive far more couples on dates than individuals and groups of people, day or night, and this has given me the opportunity to observe, to a great extent, couples out participating in the dating game.

Don’t get me wrong now, I’m not claiming to be an expert on such matters. Far from it, I’m just an observer who’s trying to learn from the experiences and mistakes of others before taking the plunge myself. Is this not wisdom? *wink*

Doing what I do requires me to know a few of my costumers really well. A few of them have me really intrigued to the point that in relating with them during the course of business, we begin to relate on a bit more of a personal level. Let me introduce one family I have come to respect and love to you.

The Owolabis come in regularly. They are accustomed to living affluently and coming to a classy restaurant is pretty normal to them. Practically the whole family comes in, individually or collectively, at different intervals during any given week.

Chief and Dr Mrs come in to dinner as a couple at least once a month. Things weren’t always this way though. They started small and humble and worked hard to build the empire they presently control. Dr Mrs once regaled me with the tale, to chief’s embarrasment, of how in their youth, before they were married, he would take her on only cheap dates. She recounted how the park not far from the London apartment she shared with coursemates was his favourite spot for dates because, as a foreign student on scholarship, he couldn’t afford to take her anywhere remotely fancy; and how he would slave over home-made sandwiches and freshly squeezed orange juice or the likes for their refreshment as they picnicked; and how she would make them walk to and from the park because she knew he really couldn’t afford the cab-fare he kept trying to insist they took, all in the name of chivalry. She stuck with him through the early days and now (she would gesture to the grandness around her), just look at the grand way they live.

Now, this would ordinarily be quite an inspiration to me, to work hard, make something of my life and the good things would then come. But all I felt was a strange mixture of respect and pity for her.

Respect, because the come-uppance Chief and Dr Mrs had experienced would solidify the love the wife had for her husband, but pity, because it had only turned the man into the weaker vessel, eroding the initial connection felt towards wife by him.

Coming into wealth he had never been exposed to previously only opened Kashimawo Owolabi’s eyes to the finer things he could have now that he could never have had back then. Things he is determined to now enjoy despite being advanced in years. He rolls around in heavy socialite circles, not for business, but just for the fun of it. Rides in fast and exotic cars that his son should be ridding himself of now. And beds some of the hottest women I have ever… or will ever lay my eyes upon. I can picture that in his mind, his wealth has given him access to the women he would have even been too ashamed to say a simple “hello” to in the days of his youth. He would sometimes bring these women to Greene’s to wine and dine them before heading on to the Five Corner’s down the street, obviously to get his money’s worth in kind.

Further contribution to the pity I have for Dr Mrs are her offspring. They had been born into their parents’ rise into the upper echelon and the wealth would come to greatly affect their outlook on life in general and dating and relationships in particular.

Kudirat, the first child, much like her siblings, had always gotten everything she wanted growing up. Problem here is, she wants everything else! Having acquired a ravenous sexual appetite far exceeding her father’s, she has brought every class of men imaginable to the restaurant. I have seen Kudi, in the stoking of imminent passion, dine government officials, captains of industries and even royalty and at other times, seductively wine homeless men, her own driver and much to my pleasure then and shame now, even the young manager of Greene’s, my humble self. (*-_-)

Kashimawo Jr (Kash Jr to his friends), the only son, in getting everything he wanted, had discovered his own peculiar tastes and then stuck to them. Or better put, stuck to him. I do not believe I have ever seen Kash at dinner here alone with another individual besides Karimu Owolafe. Kash and Kari, to Dr Mrs Owolabi, are just the best of friends, despite Kari’s very humble backgrounds. However, thanks solely to Kash’s influences and access to wealth, they have gone everywhere and done everything together. Emphasis on ‘did‘, ‘every‘ and ‘thing‘ and may I add ‘each other‘? I shall now leave the rest to your perverted imagination. (-_-)

Monie, the baby of the house, seems to be the only one who aspires to live a responsible social life. Oh, I’m sorry, scratch the ‘social’ there. Moni, after all, lacks any semblance of a social life. Always the wise, introspective and perceptive one, seeing the paths her siblings had chosen to take in their dating lives and recognizing the attendant pitfalls, she made her mind up early that she would not fall prey to any gold-digger types, temporarily or permanently, and as such, set her standards high. This one has high tastes. Very exquisite tastes. So exquisite, that I doubt any living person can satisfy them. I have never seen her on a date, here in her favourite restaurant, with another actual person. I’ll admit though, I Have seen her on several dates here, I just haven’t ever been able to see her date. The waiters always remain weirded out when they have to serve two places at her table and she is talking to and laughing with someone in the opposite chair they can’t hear or see. I’ve actually heard them in the back room arguing over whose turn it was to suffer the ordeal of attending her table.

So sad. *smh*

Whenever, I remember the Owolabis in general, I feel a little sadness for the Dr Mrs. Especially after all the sacrifices she made for her family.

Oh, did I forget to mention those sacrifices earlier? Well, my apologies.

Ms Ego Oputachi, while on an advanced medical program at Oxford University sometime in the 70s, would meet and fall in love with an engineering student with a rugged demeanor and a bright outlook on life. Recognising this moslem yoruba boy’s prospects and his immense love for her, she would ignore her very tribalistic father’s threats of denouncing her as his daughter, thereby severing all ties with the wealthy background rife with highly placed connections from which she comes to marry him. Only through much toiling and fighting together against all the odds would Mr and Mrs Owolabi of back then become the influential figures they are now.

In other words, it would appear it is as possible for money not to positively affect the ego of a couple trying their hand at the dating game as it is to negatively affect either or both individuals.

*sigh*

Personally, I don’t need whoever I eventually end up with to be rich or highly connected. I just need her to truly believe in me and I’ll bring whatever she believes to life. I just want to find me my own Ego to boost my deflating ego.

How big is your ego?

 

Money In Relationships


Relationships on a regular should be about the people involved and their feelings. These days it’s about how much you have at the moment, how much you plan to have in the next few years.

I’m not sure at what point we lost the main focus of relationships and turned it into an emotional business deal. It has become majorly a case of “what shall I gain from this?”.

Personally I do not put much emphasis on money when I’m thinking of relationships, and that is because I can afford most things myself but I have to admit that it is easier being with someone who’s financially stable or to a large extent, independent. I also believe in helping your partner especially when you’ve decided in your heart that this is who you want to be with for a while.

To survive in a relationship in today’s world we need money……. Be it  for communication, fun or just basic surviving.

If we are to look at communication, you need money to do this, and in this world where there is a blackberry craze everywhere, you would need to pay for your BIS. And in all honesty, you can’t keep all the communication to blackberry alone because there are some things/feelings which are gotten through speaking/hearing the voice of the other party. And considering the fact that an average person has over 50 contacts on his/her blackberry, as a partner in a relationship, you would need to go the extra mile lest you lost in the crowd.

Heaven help you if you are in a long distance relationship like across the ocean kinda thing. You’d spend more on communication, be it calls, text or good internet for all those your skype dates and others. I guess that is part of the reason why they say LDR isn’t for the faint hearted.

Let us look at the fun aspect of the relationship; because every now and then you need to put spice in your relationship else it starts to feel like a routine. If you want to catch a movie or go kart racing or something as simple as a hangout at the beach you need money especially if you live in Nigeria where all these things are apparently like gold (God knows why though). To continue to spice things up, you need elements of surprise and flowers don’t count for the average Nigerian girl just like boxers don’t count for the average guy. So you’d need to be grand in your surprises, creative too. And this takes time and money (you just might pay someone to do thinking for you).

Nobody wants to date a liability and just be the one giving; it’s not fun and makes the other person feels taken advantage of. I’m a girl and I pay for stuff too. I know there are a lot of girls that feel like they should be taken care of. And there are a lot of guys with ego problems that feel they should do the paying and when the girl gets used to it, they now say she is a gold-digger. First of all, you taught her how to dig the gold……..in short you created the monster so live with it. And there are a lot of girls who take advantage of  these “generous” guys and ask for the most ridiculous things on earth e.g freshest newest gadgets, fancy cars, designer this and designer that or the persistent craze with all the Brazillian, Peruvian hair.

There are some weird extreme cases like asking for the guy’s 6months bank statement (I find this a tad uncomfortable since they are not engaged or anything like that). While I know it is important to look at the financial status of the person you are with, I think it is wrong when it becomes the major criteria while considering a relationship. The joy is in growing together, building your life together. You get to appreciate each other more because you know that you went through thin together and are coming out thick. Unlike when you land with a partner who is already swimming in cash and would constantly see you as an accessory and not an equal partner.

The society too plays a major role in this line of thought as well because you bring a partner home to the family and the question of what they do comes up…….where they live…….where they schooled.  Some even go as far as asking how often the person travels out of the country.

A male friend once told me this “if you meet a guy who isn’t doing so well, ask him about his past, rate his present, consider his principles not his sweet-spoken nonsense and from there predict his future from all he says and all you can get from his body language”.

I guess in essence he was telling me to judge my partner with my head not my heart as the heart has been known to lead people astray.

No one is saying you should walk blindly into a relationship with someone that cannot meet his/her needs and has no intention of trying. Just make sure that the size of the wallet isn’t your major “attraction”.

There was a point in this life when all you needed for a relationship to work was the commitment of the people involved. Now the commitment can be “bought” because

‘Love isn’t all that matters any more’.

@MizzTosin
*******

Tosin just shared her views on the role of money in relationships. Agree? Disagree?

What are your takes on the financial aspect to relationships?

when and where should it be be brought in as a criteria in Relationshiposphere?

Do share your view with us using the comment box.

Cheers.

Power & Respect


                           

Disclaimer: All ideas expressed herein, are solely based on the writer’s opinions and experience. You Do NOT have to agree, in fact, your disagreement and personal opinions are much welcome in the comments section. I would love to hear them. *Snickers*

OK. So I hear this is very respectable ground, and I will do my best not to sully it with my… whatever it is I have that could possibly sully up a nice blog like this. I’m supposed to talk about power and respect in relationships, although with my Forever Alone status, you might be a bit hard pressed to believe me. To make it easier for you, I have decided to use an everyday analogy that will put what I’m saying into context:

The Power Holding Company of Nigeria (PHCN.)

Yes. Your relationship with PHCN is the ultimate example of power and respect in a relationship. Still don’t understand? I’ll explain.

See, I often hear that in a relationship there has to be one domineering partner and then the other one. Now, do you feel like your partner is currently holding all the power in your relationship? (Power Holding. Get it now? Huh? Yes? No? Oh.) Well, a girl can try. :’( OK, let me give you a scenario where you can see this display of power holding and utter lack of disrespect.

Scenario

It’s the big El Clasico game. You’ve gathered all your buddies and the beer is free-flowing. It’s a wonderful evening. Now, Messi has just tackled C. Ronaldo and is gunning towards Casillas. You can tell that if he makes this goal, it will go down in the annals of history. The room is quiet, all eyes are glued to the TV, the glass of beer is sweating in your hands as your heartbeat is reaching quickstep tempo. Your mouth is hanging open, and Messi kicks the ball hard and it’s heading to the goal post almost as fast as a bullet and suddenly…

Ahhh!!! Won ti mu ina lo!

If that ain’t power holding and disrespect at its utmost, I don’t know what is.

Now, if your relationship feels like that, it’s unhealthy. A PHCN-consumer relationship is not the way forward. You know how even your kind-hearted-gentle-wouldn’t-hurt-a-fly grandmother becomes a foul-mouthed, evil monster, whose tongue would rival a sailor’s in cussing, when it comes to cases of PHCN. Yeah. That’s what I’m talking about. This kind of relationship will quickly turn resentful, if it hasn’t already. Especially if you’re not the PHCN in the relationship. That one is just the height. Your partner will literally be taking your light every time, leaving you in darkness. We all know how that feels especially when you need that light to iron your shirt for work tomorrow.

Even the people at PHCN hate PHCN. PHCN probably hates itself. It’s an insecure company, preying on the weakness of a people that have almost no choice in the matter. Lucky for you, you have more degrees of freedom in your relationship. (If you don’t, there is a BIG problem.) Now, you’re reading this and you’re wondering “Is my partner a power holder? Does (s)he continually disrespect me?” You want to know if your partner has the PHCN-Syndrome. I will give you some classic signs of the PHCN-Syndrome.

  • If your partner is constantly trying to make you look bad so that they can look good, they probably have PHCN-Syndrome.
  • If they have violent mood swings, (you know, one minute low current, another minute high current until they burn all your appliances,) PHCN-Syndrome right thurr.
  • If your partner is rude, shows up at the wrongest time (see above scenario,) stingy, and always disgracing you, and does this constantly, hate to break it to you, but your partner is suffering from classic PHCN-Syndrome.

Needless to say, you need to leave this relationship. FAST. It is a breeding ground for life’s mosquitoes. Trust me; you DO NOT want life’s mosquitoes.

What you want is a relationship like the one between you and Google. Now, we all know that relationship isn’t perfect, but that’s OK because nothing is perfect. More often than not, Google is reliable, highly knowledgeable, a great listener, and most of all, your friend. Let me elucidate.

Scenario

You’re in school, and midterms are around the corner. You know you should study and you will! Just as soon as you finish the entire season of Game of Thrones. And that party on Friday at Lekan’s private beach house. Of course, Saturday is no good because you have to rest and then, Sunday you go to church. Sunday evening, you realize you are dead. 70 pages of required reading, you’re still on the acknowledgements. Then, it hits you – Google it, baby! Result? A.

This is what I mean. Your Google relationship is fun, exciting, and you learn something new every day. Your partner is more than fine with letting you take the spot light sometimes and then picking up the slack when you’re too tired to care. As long as you have a Google account with good privacy settings, this relationship is long term. And respect? How can respect not grow in such an environment? There’s happiness, love, friendliness. I would love to talk more, but I’m only being paid to talk about power and respect.

By the time there is a power tussle in a relationship, things are ALREADY going downhill. Don’t be with someone that will disrespect you and won’t let your light shine. Don’t try to lord it over your partner. For the men, this is the 21st century; there can be respect without all that “I’m the man of the house” type-a thing. If you don’t respect yourself, it really is hard for anyone to respect you. You should be comfortable, and able to discuss whatever, without feeling like you’ll be put down.

And if you’re still with your PHCN partner, for some reasons I cannot even begin to understand, and you still want to be in such a relationship… you might need a generator. I’m NOT advising you to cheat. I’m just saying… you might need a generator.

Special thanks to Beauty, my muse extraordinaire.

@TheFakeEsse

Le Début De Sexe


The question that goes through most girls minds, I’m sure. To shag on the first date or not?

Some mates and I had this discussion while slightly inebriated and though there were filthy jokes cracked, when I woke up the next day with a teensy weensy hangover and thought about it, I think we weren’t so far off point.

When to have sex? The first date, the ubiquitous third date, whenever we feel like it, or when we’re in an exclusive relationship and/or married?

So the first date went well. The food was great (or movie or whatever it is we got up to), the conversation flowed wonderfully, we are slightly buzzing and he’s about to drop me off at home (or we’re thinking of sharing a cab). Then the question goes through my mind – should I reply his invitation to go back to his with a yes or should I just go home?

My mates and I had different opinions about this. Some felt, sod it. Go for it on the first date. Others, not so much. Best to tackle the varying opinions one after the other.

Firstly, those that thought marriage – none. I mean, come on, maybe we’re too modern or too carefree but I don’t think anyone still goes into marriages as virgins. Maybe they do, but I’m fairly certain it’s very rare. Of course there are girls that pretend to be virgins and want to keep it till marriage. Then lie that their hymens were ruptured during sports or some excuse of that sort. How pointless, like he will still get the D from somewhere else while you’re guarding your precious (Gollum voice). And I’m not saying this because I believe guys are horny beasts. Well…they are *chuckle* but it’s just their nature. Men think of and require (I guess) sex. Even girls…but it’s been sort of hammered into us so much that it’s become a part of us – sex is important for guys and not so much for girls…if you know what I mean.

Those that thought exclusive relationships – very few. Life isn’t how it was back in secondary school. Then we were actually asked ‘Do you want to go out with me?’ Or ‘Do you want to be my girlfriend?’ Heck, hardly anyone goes ‘Let’s make this exclusive’ anymore. It sort of seamlessly slides into exclusivity from fafferage or fun. So majority of us thought, how on earth would you know that you’re having sex now that it’s exclusive when it might still be ‘fun’ for the guy? Except if the girl actually goes, ‘Oi, is this exclusive now?’ Then it might not be clear. I guess as long as the girl believes that she’s in some sort of proper relationship she won’t feel guilty or naughty. As incredible as this sounds, a lot of girls feel this way. Especially Nigerian girls. This way, even if their ‘gist’ spreads, they can say they only ‘did it’ while in proper or serious relationships.

 

Those that thought third dates – a lot. Even the lads. I guess this is because it’s like some unwritten rule. Don’t have sex till the third date. This way, you don’t seem like a slag by giving it up the first day and by the third you think the guy likes your company enough to have wanted to see you three times hence shagging him won’t stop him from wanting to see you again.

Those that thought first date – very few. Yup, not surprising right? Well, what’s the point waiting till the second or third or tenth date? If you like him and there’s chemistry why not open wide and enjoy some good old pummelling? Maybe because he’ll think you’re definitely A SLAG and won’t call you again since he’s gotten what he really wanted at the end of the day so why waste time and effort and money treating you to something/somewhere nice on another date? On the other hand, if he truly likes you then it doesn’t matter if you lot shag on the first date or not. He’ll still call you. There are some that keep their legs closed till the 70th date (if he lasts that long). ‘Let me tell you something, hun. If he just wants to fuck he’s willing to wait no matter how long.’ That’s what a mate said. And it’s true. There are some lads that will wait for months for sex and once they get it they’re off. It’s patience, really. And it becomes a sort of game for them. Don’t think holding out will make him fall in love with you, only God knows what’s going on in the chap’s mind and your holding out won’t change a thing. Except if he’s very traditional and if he is, then maybe he doesn’t want to ‘soil’ you and he’s getting it from somewhere else.

Ah, and there are those that feel having sex very early on is a determining factor in burgeoning relationships. Just imagine waiting for days then maybe really liking him/her then you lot finally shag. And he’s crap. Or she is. ‘Or he’s got a tiny cock’ (we all cackled here). Bummer, no?

Either way, this is a topic where people have set ideas on when it should be given up. It’s a topic that causes arguments or the standard ‘we’ll have to agree to disagree.’

My opinion is…well I bet you’d like to know which category I fall into *smirk*

Xoxo

@LaComTessNoire

*****

Well, simples.

What Category do you fall into and what attitude do you have towards sex in relationships?

How much of it is needed, if any at all and why?

Kindly share your views using the comment box.

Cheers

Keeping The Passion In It (R18)


Hello everyone!

Before I begin, let me just get this out of the way:

Sex, fuck, straff, bang, nack, brap, shining congo, lamba, making love (ewww), intercourse, wire (my friends are mad people), ati be be lo

See what I did there? Good.

So I’m here to talk about sex. Yes, sex. I do not know why I’m talking about something I have never experienced (I’m a fargeen) but here I am.

I’m not talking about when to have it or how to do it (Google is your friend and playboy is your bible) but I’m here to give tips on how to keep the passion alive in a relationship.

Many of us know that once you get together and start fucking, it’s like heaven on earth. You guys are exploring each other, teaching each other, trying new things and such. It’s a wonderful thing to share yourself and body with that one person and the feeling is just beautiful.

Six months later, and you’re moaning and faking your way to an orgasm. At that moment, the chicken in the freezer is far more interesting. Why is that so?

In all relationships, things get boring or stale. His smile doesn’t exactly make you want to sing and dance anymore but the feeling is there. You can’t stand the way she litters your apartment floor (if you have your own place) with her shoes. You practically force yourself to fuck him because ‘We do the same thing all the time but he’s so horny and I don’t want him to go and look for an excuse to sleep with that slutty secretary/classmate/friend of his.’

I will give you some helpful tips and ideas on how to get yourself out of a sexual rut but I cannot guarantee these will work 100%. Cosmo will tell you to learn gymnastics or turn up to his office in a trench coat with nothing on but ladies (and guys) know that it may still not work. A simple change may be all that takes to kick both of you of that stalemate.

  1. Communication: I know this may be hard but maybe you should tell him you don’t exactly like a finger up your ass. Or you like the way he kisses you down there and he should spend a little more time there. Or you should def tell her you like the way she hums when she’s … you get the point. Tell her/him what you want and presto! You get it! Ask and you shall receive. Let him know what makes you feel good and what makes you cum. If you like, lie there and continue receiving while he gets off. Sex is meant to be enjoyable and not boring. Which brings me to my next point …
  2. Try new things: I repeat Google is your friend and Playboy/Cosmopolitan is your bible. If you’re tired of the same old thing, read up and try on new stuff. I know Cosmos has tons of articles about new positions and how that girl did that and loved it (do not ask how I know this). If you read something and want her to try it but you’re shy, leave it around ‘accidentally’. I do not mean leaving porn paused on the laptop screen. Leave the magazine page open on the bed, she may just pick it up and read. Make up a story about how Tunde/Rita told Frank/Joke who told Obi/Ify who gisted you about this ‘crazy thing’. If you present it in a fun way, she/he may just try it. Oh, and try watching porn together. It may sound weird now but try watching it like a movie with a serious script and cast. I guarantee you will be on the floor rolling at the horrible acting and forced situations (the pizza delivery guy/plumber/electrician just happened to have a hard dick waiting for you) Once you are laughing, say this ‘hey, this looks like fun. Why don’t we try it?” Do not go and suggest she shapes herself into a pretzel for you or invite your three
  3. friends over for ‘drinks’ (only if you are into that of course). Take things easy and see how they go.
  4. Toys and Food: The toys part may just be under ‘try new things’ but I wanted to pair to along with food here. There are great ways to explore your body with your bf/gf/husband/wife and using sex toys are part of it. If you have a vibrator, ask him to pleasure you with it. I guarantee he will love the look of pleasure on your face. Why don’t you tie him up? The fear and anticipation of what is to come will heighten your senses and make things better. Blindfolds, whips and chains may be new but hey, you’re tired of the ordinary right? Now when I talk of food, I do not mean White House Pounded yam and efo being eaten off her/his body
    (only Ibadan people do that please). I mean strawberries dipped in chocolate or cream and you feeding her. I mean using honey to trace your initials on his chest and licking it off. I mean using ice on her nipples to make her yelp and want more. There are many ways to incorporate food into foreplay and if yu try it, I give you a 90% guarantee it will be good or I will give you your non-existent fee back.
  5. Last but not the least, the mind: You may do everything and more on this list but if your mind isn’t into it, you will not cum. What are you thinking about during sex? Why are you having sex with him/her? Who is she/he to you? Is it just to bust a nut or to share something? These days, it seems like everyone is hooking up just for the sake of it but you need to understand that sex is not just sex sometimes. It’s a gift and it’s a way to share yourself to the deepest level with your partner. If you intend of making it the best experience both of you will ever have, then think that way.  Let her know that this isn’t just sex and it’s more than that. Be the best person to your partner in and outside the bedroom and you will see your sex life and relationship will improve.

Well, that’s it from me. I hope you find more ways to help spice up your sex life and love life. I repeat, do not ask how I know this stuff. I just  ….read a lot. And my friends tell me these things.

And I’m not lying!

@d3ola

******

Do you have any other tips to add to these?

Or do you have any bone of contentions with what has been shared by deola?

You know what to do.

Cheers

Friends, Family & Relationships


There’s a popular saying, “when you marry a person, u marry their whole family”.

Yea I know a lot of you might be thinking….“hold your horses…no one said anything about marriage”…but as long as the phrase serves the purpose, cut me some slack.

Whether we like it or not, the reality is that relationships aren’t complete without the (sometimes) unsolicited interference from friends and family. Come on, you know what I mean, those little irksome statements that elicit a lot of eye rolling on our parts.

I remember one time I had this *whoosh fans self at the memory* hot Ibo potential boyfriend and one of my friends couldn’t just stop making comments like “but he’s not Yoruba…”, “there’s no future”, “don’t waste your time”…I mean, honey chill, we are not even official yet, why are you busy planning our divorce?!!! Few months later the question changed to “Does he have a brother?” *shaking head* FRIENDS!!!

Oh don’t get me wrong they aren’t all that bad. Who else do you chat away with when you want to “form important/busy/uninterested” on a first date (you girls know what I’m talking about *wink*). The other day I called up one of my best friends Bukky* whilst she was on a date. After all the necessary info had been passed…I noticed home girl was trying to drag on the conversation. The phone call went something like this.

Me: … OK love I’ll talk to you later.

Bukky: Err wait…which reminds me, have you checked that stuff?

Confused Me: What stuff?

Bukky: That stuff now can’t you remember?

Me: Huhn? Babe speak english my credit is burning jo.

Bukky: (breaks into a giggle) you’re not even serious.

(Thinking to myself “what’s funny?”)

Me: Are u ok?

And then just like magic…TING!!! (Light bulb moment)

Me: You’re out with Kunle* ba?

Bukky: Yes

Before I knew it, she had successfully kept me on the phone for 5mins saying little nothings. The things we do for friends!

And what about those times we (don’t) need advice? Where do friends come in, you may ask? I’ll relate an experience that happened to me a while back.

Scenario:

My boyfriend and I had had a little misunderstanding which resulted in him hanging up the phone on me. In a moment of anger, I told two of my “close friends” here’s what they each had to say.

Friend #1:

Me to Shade*: Can you believe Tunde* hung up on me?

Shade: What? What rubbish? That’s so rude. You can’t be allowing such nonsense o. You need to give him a piece of your mind. That’s how Osa* tried it with me I didn’t pick up his calls for 3weeks. Trust me he never tried it again.

(I later found out that Osa* stopped calling her after 3weeks and never did call again, but naturally she didn’t mention that part.)

Friend #2:

Me to Stella*: Can you believe Tunde* hung up on me?

Stella: Why? What did you do or say to warrant that?

Me: Why does it have to be me at fault?

Stella: Because Tunde* seems like a sensible person. He wouldn’t just hang up on you for no reason.

Me: Who’s side are you on self?

Stella: (laughs) Calm down. Do u want to tell me what happened from the scratch?

There…that’s how a good friend should respond in such a situation.

However, there are situations when we need firm friends to “lend us their pair of glasses” when we are too blinded by love to see that we are being taken for a jolly ride. That one friend that will look you in the eyes and say “Babe..snap out of it!”

And family? Where’s the place of family in relationships you might ask. After all the saying did go “…you marry the family too”.

In my personal experience in the first few months my father’s own is to be formally introduced to the young man that has been frequenting his house in search of his daughter. Of course he knows we are in a relationship but still chooses to refer to homeboy as “your friend” Heaven forbids that he admits his little girl is having boyfriends at 22.

Now my mother…wants to know “where’s he from”. When I reply, “Oyo state”. The next question is “what part of Oyo state?”. After replying her with “Ogbomoso”…she proceeds to tell me all the stereotypes she knows about Ogbomoso people and their traits citing examples to buttress her point of course. But it goes beyond that. Most mothers, mine inclusive, are more involved in their children’s’ relationships. They want to know the family background. They want to hear the “gist of a first date”. They pray for you and give you advice, solicited or unsolicited, and if the relationship crashes and burns, they are there to clean up the pieces and rock you back to decorum.

On the flipside, I’ve often heard of situations where parents bring about untimely deaths to relationships. We’ve heard of the “hot water pouring” types and the extremely tribalistic ones (although if you ask me, the average Nigerian parent is tribalistic to a large extent). We’re probably also familiar with the “possesive/jealous/controlling mothers” and the “iya oko bournvita (I don’t know how to translate this one to English) types”. They are all out there.

Siblings? Truth is the earlier your siblings like your partner, the better for him or her. They hold a degree of influence in relationships. They say things as they see it, sometimes more bluntly than preferred. You’d often hear comments like “He looks unserious” or “she’s just there” if they don’t like your partner. But when they do? The glowing comments can’t roll in fast enough. (My brodas and sistehs don’t be caught dulling. You want his or her siblings to like you? Bribe them! Nothing over the top, just thoughtful gestures once in a while. Trust me, it works…TML)

At the end of the day, family and friends however important they are, are not the actual participants in the relationship and should not hold the reigns in our relationships. Yes, we should be open to their inputs because most times they are done with our best interest at heart, but at the end of the day, it’s YOUR relationship and YOUR responsibility.

Do you have comments or experiences you wanna share or opinions of your own? Go right ahead.

xoxo…  @_Ayaba.

The Chaotic Start.


I personally think that dating is the most advanced form of natural selection on the planet. The main goal of every species is to ensure its survival and man is definitely not left out. I’m torn between stating opinions and sharing reality from my perspective and while I hate imposing opinions or seeming to do so, I fear that may inevitably happen. Here goes.

=====================

I asked Jolade if she wasn’t used to folks hitting on her by now. She had just exclaimed that someone, the fifth person that day, had told her at work that she was sexy. She also said this was new for her. No one had ever crushed on her in secondary school or university. She said she wasn’t attractive then to anyone. Looking at her now, it was difficult to believe. Her figure-hugging clothes revealed curves almost bursting buttons and zips as she threw her weight from leg to leg in a fabulous sashay down the corridor, loudly announced by her clicking heels on the marble floor. Was this what money did to people? The hairdo, the clothes, the confidence, the smile of contentment and so many other things money could buy had brought out the attractiveness of this brilliant female. Now everyone wanted to have her.

I went with my brother to a fast food joint where we tried to order some sweet things to satisfy my sugar cravings. While we waited, he climbed the first rungs of the railing to get a better view of the food on offer. Slightly embarrassed on his behalf, I told him he was acting like a child in public. To which he replied, “I am rich, I can do whatever I want.” I laughed and could find no words to the contrary. He was handsome, intelligent and rich. God-fearing too. Every woman’s dream.

Ikenna was confused again. Yejide was acting as if she was his girlfriend all over again. Making last minute calls to disrupt his schedule, throwing tantrums when he turned down her wishes, demanding he call back when her credit ran out, monitoring his every move. This was the girl that had agreed that they would be just friends a week before. Now she couldn’t get enough of him. He had taken extra care not to let her know where he was working because he feared it would affect her answer to his love proposal. She had politely said no to him and asked that they be as brother and sister. Ikenna had sadly agreed. Things changed however when he took her to the staff club and showed his ID card to gain exclusive entrance. Her calls became more frequent, her demands more insistent, leaving Ikenna wondering how close she had become as a “sister.” Now his worst fears of landing a gold digger were staring him in the face.

Her boobs were not as firm as they looked when she was fully dressed. The wild thoughts running through his mind earlier on what to do to her once they were alone were slowly dissolving like a cube of sugar in a cup of black coffee. Was this lady going to be able to keep him on cloud nine in the bedroom? It would be different if he had never known such heights of sexual ecstasy. Now he had higher tastes, and death was looking too far to wait for their parting to be made legal. A strange calm settled over his heart where the storms of passion had raged oh some precious few seconds before.

People change. Times change. Circumstances change. What if you discovered that the person of your dreams today did not fit into your dreams in five years time? What if you met someone you connected with on a higher level than this person you were with? How would it feel to be unable to give your ruthless passion to your partner just because your sights were now set on the new curvy intern at the office? What did it mean to let only death do you part? Sighs.

With these troubling thoughts, I set my list of eligible females aside and fell to my knees to pray to God to choose a life partner for me as He had for Adam.

@HL_Blue

********

How much of God do you allow in your relationships?

What limits have you put on Him and should there even be any?

Take a step back and ask yourself, ‘What exactly do I look for before going into relationships?’

Have an answer? why not share with us today using the comment box below.

Cheers.

Date Days II: The Preview


Hello there.

I have no cool story to tell you about why this blog hasn’t been updated for ages. It just happened that way for reasons best known to bola and I but we like to think a friend called BLOCK has been messing around with us. We apologize and hope our little announcement today makes up for the last 2months.

Its a new year and i do hope we all have fabulous days ahead and build memories to last us a lifetime.

Moving on, i am very certain that we all remember Date Days I, where we spoke about the happenings that surrounds a first date. If  by any chance, you never did read it, catch up and get a jotter as well, we received testimonies of countless lives that were changed.

We at ‘The Ugly Truth’ did promise to do it again when the time felt right and i am glad to say, that time, is NOW.

We present to you, Date Days II:

The Sequel

Money, Power, Sex, Ego & Respect.

Relationships are special, like them or hate them, we all in one way or the other, need them. A lot of discussions with friends on twitter and other platforms over the last couple of months had made me often wonder if our generation really knew the place of certain basic principles in relationships, this led to a decision to do a sequel on the DateDays series with the title, ‘Money, Power, Sex, Ego & Respect In Relationships’.

Again, just like I DateDays1, there will be no experts coming to share their preconceived and well researched politically & morally correct notions about this theme but instead, we have got regular young people like you & i to do so and in so doing, we hope to get a basic realistic idea of where we stand now in relationships as youth and where we ought to be.

We need to ask ourselves the following questions when we think about relationships;

Are we getting things right?
Am I going into it with the right motives?
Am I willing to sacrifice and compromise? Where are we going astray?
what should we tolerate and what should we kick against?

We hope that during the course of this series, a lot of headway will be made and we’ll be able to better understand the workings of this thing called relationships.

The plan is to create an avenue through which i hope we can all share ideas about relationships in a very relaxed and semi-informal way yet taking away what we believe should be valuable life lessons which would come in handy at some point if & when we all decide to get into relationships *Dons #TeamForeverAlone Shades*.

Join @mizztosin, @HL_Blue, @LaComtessNoire, @_Ayaba, @MrOmidiran, @0Toxic, @D3ola, @xoAfro, @TheFakeEsse and myself as we share what are our own ideas of relationships today.

It runs from the 27th of February – 6th March with all post going up at 9am.

We hope that you’ll subscribe to the blog to get all posts in your mailbox or just visit the site at 9am and the posts will be up.

Do share the word about this and we hope that we do have a wonderful time while sharing opinions and expressing our views about an institution which frankly no one has ever gotten a total grasp of. This should be fun

Till then, i remain ‘Baba Blue’.

Cheers

The Finale!!!!


@bule_jr: WOW! WOW!! WOW!! , What a week. I’m really speechless as to how what started as a conversation with a close friend about ‘The Perfect Date’ became a full series about the said topic.

All I Can say is I’m deeply grateful to everyone for Reading, Retweeting, Commenting and for your general support. It won’t have been possible without you.

A special S/O to all writers on the series, @miafarradaily, @capoeirapanda, @thetoolsman, @Ms_Dania, @KevinWithAnL, @CeceNoStockings, @FreshPrinzVick, @Aeda_, @ukabah, @O_toby and @JibolaL. You guys were simply awesome and made date days a massive success. We would definitely be doing this again. :D

Also a deep appreciation to @iam_dq, @Adm3on, @ibetapassmynebo and @OlaToxic for their interviews. You guys were awesome and genuinely made my work easier. God bless.

Anyway #thatisall for now.

We have seen what goes on in our minds before a date, how a ‘perfect’ date should go and the totally ridiculous awkward dates.

We delved into what were necessities for us about dates and what goes on in our minds after the date.

We even added a missing file section to discuss things that were not thoroughly handled on the series.

We hope we have helped you out in at least one area.

At the beginning, the ‘Date Days’ series was started so as to really look into the world of dating in the 21st century and seeing what it really entailed.

We will be foolish to not acknowledge that there is no definite structure about dating and everybody just sort of goes with the flow of the moment and anything kinda goes.

The series attempted to just put the bits and pieces of a broken institution together and tried to make meaning of it and get both sexes to discuss and try and reach reasonable conclusions. We achieved THIS!!.

The idea was that we wanted people to learn something tangible about dating that could be applied in everyday relationships but yet in an informal setting where everyone could be REAL.

I know that not all things that have been said in this series will work for everybody but at least one thing will.

Definitely, after following the series since day 1, we expect that no one should leave here without a new trick/scope to woo that guy or girl on your next date. (Please give me my royalty when this happens)

DISCLAIMER @bule_jr will not be held responsible and accountable for any dates that goes right and leads to a baby boom or any date that goes awfully wrong and leads to a loss of your soul mate. :P.

I really do hope to do this soon again.

Congratulations to @flygurl_aidee who won the gift for correctly answering the question earlier today. :D

THANK YOU!!!! THANK YOU!!! THANK YOU!!!

On to the final discussion for the series.

It’s simple, in one sentence, what have you learned from date days?

Also, what about the series did you NOT like and what will you like to see when next a series comes up.

Your sentence can be long though(its the last day, we’ll allow this) but PLEASE share with us what this series has taught you.

Till I come your way again, I remain the love doctor.

Cheers.

THE END

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Do not forget that decades starts on http://afrosays.wordpress.com tomorrow.. i Strongly recommend this to you.

Tomorrow on Afrosays. 10am

Tomorrow on Afrosays. 10am

The Missing Files


@JibolaL

Ok so we’ve run through it all in the last few days. So far, we’ve seen: The Perfect Date, Worst Dates (even I have a tale or two or three or whatever about those), Preferences, Afterthoughts and so forth.

Through it all, I’ve silently watched, sometimes even amused.

While it would seem we’ve got everything covered with the first date, I still feel like there were a few things missing. I mean, yes you can wing it from there forward, after all you are an adult. However, the second date IS as important as the first. Just as the time in between the first and second date also matters.

It would be good look to take her to a French restaurant (like our Boss, Fresh Prinz), however, it is not a sharp move to ‘show yourself’ when you’re a proper street urchin like myself. I mean, I am not advocating being a cheapskate here. But I am of the belief that there are more creative ways to get to know her without having to stretch your budget thin.

 ◦ XO Wines: There is a winery at 54, Raymond Njoku in Ikoyi run by a Lebanese guy, Roger Chedid. Roger is one of the nicest and open people I know. You can literally walk into the winery, introduce yourself. “So what is your consign?” Take her to the winery (IF she’s the type to be interested in History and of course good wine. Of course, you can go a couple of times before, to get yourself acquainted with everyone in-house.

◦ A quiet picnic at Muri Okunola Park: You have most likely passed it by a million times without realizing that it is there. All you need is a basket packed with the things you’d like to eat. A small boombox, or iPod speakers that you can play soft music from, while you talk. What this affords you is the opportunity to be able to just TALK in a place that seems to be a bubble in the concrete jungle that is Lagos. 

◦ Beach things: Yesssss I said it. But see, this is with a twist. I’ve learnt that you can avoid the noise and straight up raucousness that comes with going to the beach. Just pack a blanket and your basket of goodies and you’re good to go. When you hit the shoreline, and walk due east till you’re way past all the music and noise and all you can hear is the sound of the waves crashing on the beach. Insane shit, I tell ya. Ive tried it before.

◦ Throw-it-down: This one might be a bit dicey. For a couple of reasons. First of which is this: If you have a reputation (that is largely untrue) like mine, :| when you suggest a throw-down a few things buzz around in her head:​‪
• 1. “Ohhh, sneaky bugger, he’s trying to lay that pipe on me”
2. He doesn’t think me attractive enough to be seen in public. Hence, you’re advised to save this for the second date.
• The second reason this might be dicey is because, well not everyone can be Chef Fregz. So if cooking isn’t your thing, STEER CLEAR. That said, don’t try that microwaving‬ paroles oh. ‬
 
That said, if you do opt for throwing-it-down, keep it simple. A meal of Spaghetti and meatballs done right served with red wine; will go a longer way than if your Chef Fregz Pasta Bella Bella goes all wrong.

Then finally, there’s the sex.
YES, I seem to be the guy that it usually falls to, to talk about these things :(. Oh well. First off, this is not a P. You need to continually remind yourself of that. It is very important, because the rules in this case are totally different. The modalities may vary from meeting a guy/girl that is open to having sex on the first/second date to one who is in it for the end games (i.e. Marriage). YES, I’ve met such. That said, keep your mind and eyes open for the subtle clues (remember the rules are different), and do not move until the Green light says GO.