Torn


He missed his family. His wife, his two sons and his baby girl. Not being able to see them in the last five years had felt like hell. It still felt like hell. He missed his wife so much. Marrying her was the best decision of his life. She was everything he needed her to be. Everything he needed and then some. He missed her cooking. Damn, she could cook. If the way to a man’s heart was through his stomach then his heart was in Grace’s right hand.

He missed his sons, David and Daniel. The last time he saw them, David was 11 and Daniel was 9. Now they were almost men. He missed his baby girl, Rachael. The last time he saw her she was 7 months old. Now she would be walking and talking. He had missed so much of her life. Tears trickled down his cheeks as he clutched the picture from five years ago when Rachael was born.

His only mistake, was being a good Samaritan in the wrong place and at the wrong time. He still remembered her face. How could he forget. He dreamt about her every other night. He had tried to save her life. That was his mistake.
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The gate of his cell opened. It was time. Two guards came for him. One of them cuffed him and they led him down the hall. The other inmates yelled. Hurling insults at the guards and cheering him on. He smiled sadly. As sickening as it was, he was going to miss this place. He had made friends and it had even broken his heart when his cellmate died.

This felt like the longest walk of his life.

They finally got to a room. As he entered he saw some familiar faces. The Director of Public Prosecutions, the man that had put him there; The Public Defender, the man that had done a shabby job at defending him. He couldn’t blame him. His salary didn’t require more than a shabby job. Thinking about it, it required less; The Sergeant who had testified against him; the Prison Warden and a Priest. How awesome. He was surrounded by his “loved ones”. The Priest asked him to close his eyes for the last prayer.

He closed his eyes as the memory of that night played itself again:

His car had refused to start that morning. He was already running late. Grace had to use her’s to drop the boys off at school. He opted to take a bus. He hurriedly kissed everyone goodbye and dashed out of the house. He made it to work in time and had a pretty long day. Work closed far later than usual.

He went to the staff car park thinking he had parked his car there in the morning. He remembered he hadn’t. He had to take a bus back but the thing was getting a bus to work from home was easier than getting one back. He had to walk.

It was dark. Sometime around 11pm. He knew some shortcuts and decided to take them. As he turned into a small street, he saw a man walk hurriedly in the opposite direction. He saw his face. He could see the fat scar across his right cheek as the dim street light shone on his face. His eyes were ice cold. On any other day, the look the man gave him would have scared him but it didn’t, he just wanted to get home. As he walked on, he saw something covered on the ground.

It looked like a person.

It was breathing. They were slow, ragged breaths but it was breathing. He moved closer. He removed the covering. It was a girl. She had been stabbed all over and badly beaten. There was blood everywhere. It crossed his mind to walk away, very fast. Then he thought, this was a human being. What if it was Grace that was lying on the ground and a stranger decided to walk away instead of helping her? He had to help her. He couldn’t just walk away. He lightly tapped her shoulder but she didn’t move. He put his fingers on the side of her neck to feel her pulse. It had stopped. He could’ve sworn that she was breathing seconds ago.

He had to do something.

He placed his left palm on her chest and place his right palm over it and counted to three then he pressed hard. He repeated this three times and gave her CPR but nothing happened. He tried three more times and gave her CPR again and then felt her pulse. It was beating again but it was slow. He heaved a sigh of relief. She was alive. He remembered that there was a hospital three streets away. The least he could do was drop her off there. He wanted to call Grace to let her know what was going on & where he was so that she wouldn’t be worried. His hands were covered in blood so he reached for his handkerchief in his pocket and used it to remove his phone from his bag.

Just as he was about dialing her number lights shone on his face and someone yelled “Hey!” He squinted as the light affected his vision but he made out two figures, most likely men.

Good evening.” He said. “This girl needs help. We need to get her to a hospital.”

They were two men holding torch lights. The directed the lights the floor where he was kneeling and saw the girl.

“Drop the phone!” The first man yelled.

“Wetin be dis?”

“Aaah!” The second man yelled. “O ti payan!”

Jonathan was ibo but he understood a little yoruba and he could understand what the second man had just said. “No! I didn’t kill anybody. She’s not even dead. She needs help. We need to get her to the hospital on Banijo Crescent now!”

“Gbe nu e soun!” The first man retorted.

“You think say we no sabi see! See as blood full your hand and your body, you come dey talk hospital.”

Jonathan was stunned. This couldn’t be happening. If this continued, this girl would die. “Look, she needs help! We have to get her to a hospital!”

Something caught the second man’s eye. He shone his torch on the ground beside where Jonathan was kneeling. It was a knife. There was blood on it. “Aha! Afeez see wetin him use!” He said, drawing the other man’s attention to the knife.

“Aaaah!” Afeez yelled. “Wo Mr man, you are finished today.” He turned to his friend, “Sule call Rafiu and Yusuf make them dey come now now.” Sule brought out his phone and did as he was instructed.

Jonathan was shocked. “Who the hell are you people? Who are Rafiu and Yusuf? There’s a girl here who’s life is hanging in the balance and you’re calling your friends?! Does this look like a show?”

“Shut up your mouth!” Afeez said. “Na who talk say you fit talk? Na we be the vigilante for this area. We dey patrol for here every night. E don tey wey we catch person. Your own don baje today.”

Jonathan couldn’t believe his ears. In minutes he had been pinned to the ground by Afeez and Sule. Rafiu and Yusuf arrived in a pick-up truck. When they came out, he noticed a scar on Yusuf’s face. He remembered the face of the man that had passed by him when he had turned into this street. It was Yusuf! He struggled to free himself for Afeez and Sule but he couldn’t. They dragged him up and he watched Rafiu wrap the girl’s body in a cloth. He then carried her and dropped her at the back of the truck. Then Yusuf walked up to him and all he could remember was his fist meeting his head before everything went black.

Things happened so fast. The vigilantes handed him over to the police the next day. He was tortured and interrogated. He was told that the girl had died and all evidence pointed to him. He denied ever knowing the girl or stabbing her and insisted that all he did was find a badly injured girl on the road and try to help her. The officers who interrogated him refused to accept this. In months, his trial began and he was charged with the murder of Bisola Abdul.

He found out her name on the day of his trial.

All this time, Grace had been coming to see him during his detention as he was denied bail. She couldn’t believe what was happening. She was running out of excuses to give to the boys when they asked why Daddy wasn’t home yet. Rachael couldn’t speak as she was only a baby but she could tell that she missed her father. Grace was confused and heart-broken. Her visits were usually cut short by the prison wardens but he could tell that a part of her was angry with him for stopping to help that girl. She might not say it but he knew. If only he had walked past the body he wouldn’t be were he was today. He was angry at himself. It all turned out to be worthless as the girl had eventually died. He was here and Yusuf was out there enjoying his life. He didn’t deserve this.
***********************

His trial was horrible. Grace had stopped coming to see him. She said she couldn’t do it to herself and to their family. He couldn’t appoint a lawyer because he couldn’t reach Grace and there was no one he could call. He had been completely cut off by everybody when the news came out that he had been arrested in connection to a murder. He wasn’t surprised as he usually kept to himself. Besides his family, the only friend he had was his elder brother but he had died a year ago having lost a long battle with lung cancer.

He was given a public defender who did wonderfully well at doing a horrible job. The man all but properly defended him. During the trial he was told that the girl had been pregnant at the time of her death. Then the prosecution fabricated their story. Five witnesses he had never seen in his life, testified to the existence of an affair between him and the deceased. The story was therefore that he had killed her on finding out that she was pregnant as she had threatened to go to his wife. Everything played out like a movie to him. He couldn’t believe it. It happpened so fast. Before he knew it, he was sentenced to death by hanging.

Grace had sent him the picture with a letter. She said she told the boys that he had died. She couldn’t have them know about what was happening. She told him that she had read about the affair and pregnancy in the papers that witnesses had testified to. She didn’t know what to believe but she didn’t have the emotional resolve to continue with the drama.

She was done.

She told him that she loved him and she would keep praying for him. The boys were dealing with the loss of their father but she told him that they loved him dearly. That letter broke his heart. That’s when he decided not to appeal. He was done. The last five years of his life had been horrible. Being on death row had been sickening but it was all coming to an end today.

He heard the Priest bring the prayer to a close as he came back to reality, “…in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit, Amen.” He was led to the top of the table and he climbed it. Then the rope hanging from the ceiling was put around his neck. He thought of Grace and his kids. He thought about the night before that fateful day. He had offered to bathe Rachael. He remembered her toothless smile and meaningless babble. He didn’t know what she was saying but she just went on and on and it sounded like music in his ears. He dressed her and she quickly fell asleep.

He then settled a quarrel between David and Daniel. Someone had hit the other and it was over the remote. He spoke to them about love and being brothers and how fights never solved anything then he made them apologize to each other and sent them to bed. He felt them slowly drag the table from underneath his feet. Then he thought of Grace. Her eyes, her face and their wedding night. He felt her lips touch his as he started to choke and then……

It all went black.

***************************************

Be Inspired


Hey this post was inspired by something I saw on Adm3on’s blog and it got me researching and this is what I came up with.

Its about failure. I’m pretty sure that at one point or the other in our lives we must have experienced it and maybe felt shattered, shed a tear or two or just locked ourselves somewhere to avoid backlash and what have you.

But let’s say failure can be seen from two angles, its either your end point, or your starting point/stepping stone to bigger and better things.

I would like to deal with the latter angle and to do so I am going to bring up names of people that are HUGELY seen as successes in our world today but who at certain points in their lives were told they had failed and couldn’t amount to anything.

I hope someone out there gets this message and it does help.
Enjoy.
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1. Harrison Ford: Harrison ford is without doubt one of the most successful actors of this generation. He has been inducted into the hall of fame and has his name on the walk of fame too.

As of July 2008, the United States domestic box office grosses of Ford’s films total almost US$3.4 billion, with worldwide grosses surpassing $6 billion, making Ford the third highest grossing U.S. domestic box-office star.

But what people don’t know is that Ford was at the bottom of the hiring list early on in his career, having offended producer Jerry Tokovsky after he played a bellboy in the feature film, ‘Death heat on a merry-go round’. He was told by Tokovsky that when actor Tony Curtis delivered a bag of groceries in an earlier movie, he did it like a star and went on to become a big time actor. Ford felt his job was to act like a bellboy and if you saw a bellboy in the movie, his job was done. He told Tovosky that If you saw a ‘star’ in a grocery boy, then that actor had failed (I totally agree with him). He ended up being released and told he wouldn’t amount to much in Hollywood.

Well, star wars, Indiana Jones and a host of other big movies later, we see how that panned out. And to think that he was fired once because they said he couldn’t act and lacked ‘Star Quality’.

Lesson 1: Have self confidence and know your true worth.

2. Walt Disney: we all know who Walt Disney is right? He is the owner of The Walt Disney Company (formerly known as Walt Disney Productions). He has not one but TWO stars on the hollywood Walk of Fame. He has 59 academy award nominations and has won 22 of them. Both of these are records which frankly I don’t see anyone breaking anytime soon.
But before all this he took the idea of Disneyland to Paris and he was told to ‘Forget it’ because it will attract riff-raffs and it wasn’t what a High-class city like Paris needed. This was during the 80′s.
He fought on and after many more controversies, It finally opened in April 92 under the name EuroDisney Resort and was renamed Disneyland Paris in 94.

A second theme park, Walt Disney Studios Park, opened to the public 16 March 2002.

With 15,405,000 combined visitors to the resort’s Disneyland Park and Walt Disney Studios Park in the fiscal year of 2009, it is France’s and Europe’s most visited tourist site.

I have never been there before but if people that go there are called riff-raffs I think I will like to be called a riff-raff.

Lesson 2: Having a well thought out vision and plan for yourself means no matter obstacles and challenges that come your way, you will find it in you to overcome.

3. Albert Einstein: Even olodos, agberos, dropouts, unborn babies know this man or would hear his name at least once in their lives.

The theory of general relativity that he came up with is without doubt one of the greatest scientific equations and sparked a revolution in physics unlike any other thing ever seen. I can only smile as I write this because he made me like physics (yeah I had an A1 in waec; adjusts nerdy glasses).

He is rumoured to have been the individual who made use of his brain the most (somewhere around 10%), the average individual will use between 2 and 3%. *and you still don’t like him* He was/is/will always be a boss.

The one thing people don’t know is that he was earlier on in life asked to drop out because he failed many tests and had a slowed speech. Rumor has it that he failed them on purpose but we will never know.

Almost a century later, we keep talking about him, his life has been chronicled so many times and to date 2 movies about him have been made plus a broadway show. IN DEATH OO!

Lesson 3: Nothing in Life can ever replace hardwork and perseverance.

4. Thomas Edison: This Man is known as Mr. Inventions. Why I heard you ask? Okay I will list his major achievements and inventions for you to see; Photographs, telegraph and long lasting light-bulbs. For the late 19th century, these were huge inventions.

He had the first ever industrial research laboratory and he was backed by the government financially and expected to invent things on a regular basis.

Well, what many might not know is that he was told by his teacher that he was “addled” and asked to drop out of school. He also developed a hearing problem and found it hard to integrate among his peers. He ended up being home schooled by his mum and look how he turned out.

By the way he owns General Electric (GE) which still exists till today and is in the top 10 of the most profitable companies in the world.

Lesson 4: At times the opinions of the world shouldn’t matter because all they want is your downfall. Be your own best critic.
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I have a quite a lot more peoples experiences I would have liked to share but it will be too long.

Anyway failure is part and parcel of life. I saw this quote yesterday and it had me smiling; “trying is the first step towards failure; but failure is also a greater step towards success”.

Do you know anyone’s story that you’ll like to share with us too about how they overcame failure and being overlooked to make something out of themselves?

Do use the comment box and share with us.

Cheers.

The Way You Are


I have had a very very short time on earth and in that little period I have seen so many people underrate themselves, under-value themselves and some just plainly look at themselves and see absolutely nothing worthy. To me, this is simply a recipe for disaster.

Human beings will seek to get as much as they can from such people, be it physical or material as long as they are sure that you don’t know your worth and are simply looking for people to approve of you.

Well today, true to my style and theme I write this to all insecure girls out there and hope this helps you.

I can’t speak for everyone out there but for myself I would say, I’m a decent guy(at least many babes have told me so) :p and I will like to believe that there are a number of decent guys out there.

I tend to always want to look out for the best in people. Half the time I ignore their faults and although it comes back to haunt me a lot I always feel I have done my teeny weeny bit in helping the person.

And if I tell a girl I like her, tharizzit for me. But I’ve come to learn that many girls will rather block someone out because of insecurity issues and other related woman palaver but how I wish that for that moment in time they will just trust that we are not all out to ‘use and dump’ you.

This is my Motto:
If I meet a girl and she thinks she is ugly, not my fault, I like you just the way you are.

If I tell you I like your feet and you tell me you think you have ‘yams’, I like you just the way you are.

You hide a part of you when we are in deep conversations, well I would like you to give me more but still I like you just that way.

I tell you that you have a wonderful shape and all you see is a fat blurb, well I like you just the way you are.

I tell you that you have nice eyes, you say you need contact lenses, I like you just that way.

I tell you that you have a great sense of humor but you keep hiding that part of you because your ‘ex’ didn’t like you, I still like you that way.

I tell you that you dress well but you like going out mostly at night so that people won’t scrutinize you that much, well I like you that way.

Believe me just this once and let us together come out of this dark alley you find yourself in.

All I’m saying is, not all guys want a perfect girl and a girl that is ‘all that’. All we want is someone who is comfortable in their own skin and who is ready to learn and improve herself. #shikena

But you see, even as a decent guy there is a limit to which I can ignore your insecurities and not allow it affect me.

Another ‘decent’ guy might not be so patient and quickly move on to the next P and leave you in a worse condition.

Other guys will happily do ‘chop & clean mouth’. (God dey)

You need to start to see a better you before anyone else will see a better you.

You need to build your confidence and not depend on your mood or state of mind to know whether to smile or not.

There is someone out there that will fall absolutely and madly in love with you ‘THE WAY YOU ARE’ but you have to be ready and allow them love you. If not, they will get away.

Now you might ask how does someone go from being insecure to being a confident person.

*inserts beyonce’s Who Run The World*
I might not like her but in ‘your own world’ you have to first believe that you run it. You are in charge of your life and only you can determine what goes on in there.

You have to have a great structure support i.e. Family and friends. Refer to my post on this topic so that you understand who and what friends and family really are and the role they are to play.

For me, you have to have a personal and wonderful relationship with GOD. There are things that only He can understand and will definitely just calm your nerves and give you an unexplainable warmth in your heart. Don’t believe me, Try it today?

Ask yourself this question: when you wake up in the morning and look at the mirror what do you see?

So, again I have come with all my crazy and funny stuff I know, I wrote this 1month ago but it didn’t feel right to post it then.

Insecurity has robbed people of discovering themselves. Now all we see is people bending themselves to fit the ‘spec’ of the person they are with at any particular time. This is so not right! Or is it?

What’s your take on the whole issue?

How can you and I be of help to people that are insecure?

How can we make relationshiposphere a better place?

As usual share your opinions in the comment box.
Cheers.

P.S. For the first time I wrote on someone else’s blog and tried my hands on humour. Check it out at http://kevinwithanl.wordpress.com , its titled Must Read. Lemme know what you think. Thanks.

The Veil


This is a post someone sent to me to read and I just decided to share with people.

It’s an amazing piece and I hope someone leaves this place today with some lessons learned and a couple of tips.

Enjoy!

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question.

This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Jane so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and fell asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain.

From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

Normally I would write something here and try to make sense of this story. But today I will leave you guys to just do the talking.

Cheers.

McDREAMy


All my life, for as long as I can remember I have had this dream about the how the babe I wanted to marry will look like.

She had to be a maximum of 5’9″, she had to be light brown in complexion(I’m black enough already, so we won’t birth the anti christ).

I’m more of a legs guy(yeah I said it) so she must have hot legs to die for: well shaved and trimmed, no unnecessary darkened knees *cringe*

I’m more bobee over backside. Both MUST be in moderation though and not excess because if I see her whether I like it or not, its her outward appearance that sucks me in.

She had to be able to communicate well; have a good command of the english language and hold herself steady in a conversation.

She had to be comfortable in her own skin and not be jealous of finer looking girls or ‘better dressed girls’, I met you the way you were and I liked you just that way. :D

She had to be have a fantastic sense of humor and be able to make me laugh from time to time. (For me this takes the cake all the time)

A girl that can fit in with my friends easily has completed 75% of the job for herself.

On that note I saw a babe whom I felt passed ‘roughly’ 97% of my checklist(the remaining 3% na down to error of parallax). Let’s call he ‘simbi’.

I had watched her for weeks in school, mid week services in fellowship and church on sundays. In wizkids voice ‘omo toh shan’ DIEE.

Thing is I’m a shy guy and it took me months to gather the momentum and courage to walk up to the girl of my dreams.

I walked up to her very slowly, counting my pace one at a time.

Suddenly I heard my mum’s voice, ‘femi, femi, oya we are late’. Huh?

I turned round and saw no one and kept working toward her.

Again ‘femi, femi’. I knew the voice was real but from where?

And my eyes opened up and there I was, NOT on my way to ‘greatness’ but on my bed, crashing and being awoken by my mum to take her to work. *sigh*

I like what I saw in simbi, she could have been the girl of my dreams but for now that’s all she is going to be………………………. ‘A DREAM’.

So, ladies and gentlemen, most of us have had images of the kind of spouse we will like to have right? NO? If you haven’t oya #slapyourself.

I fear we might never get them and just settle for what God sends our way, if not some people are joking around with lifetimes as bachelors and spinsters.

Question: Does the perfect girl exist?

Please use the comment box to share your views on whether my own view of a perfect girl is on point, feel free to add, subtract and multiply and divide :D.

Ladies don’t feel left out. Are we over-reaching? Should we lower our expectations? Please share your views with us as well. Thank you

Cheers everyone!

Lets Just Be friends.


Ever had a Girl tell you those four words? Err…..No i’m not talking about “Femi, I Love You”. yes that has actually been said but that is not why we are here. I Am talking about  “Let’s Just Be Friends.”

Most times it goes thus.

You meet a girl and initially its genuinely platonic and you talk every now and then and have the occasional hangout.

Just normal as per guys no wan fall hand.

But with time you realise that you talk everyday and subconsciously you are always planning how to see her often and arrange ‘P’.

At this time, you are still in denial that she is just a friend. When quizzed by your friends you claim that there is nothing more to it, but anytime you see her there is just that awry smile on your face, yeah you are not in love but you are smitten by her.(bless your soul)

Then you realise whats going on but most times its always too late as you are in way too deep and you now decide to make the ‘P’ official.

Thing is many babes dun open eye now and  if you are not upfront and direct from the off they just think you are a shareful(no pun intended) giver and just tag along for the free rides. And really i can’t blame them. Or can you?

Its unofficially written, Guys are allowed to be h*es and girls are allowed to milk guys. As long as no physical interaction a girl wont see anything wrong and just carry on.

Before any girl kills me, boys are also guilty of this and after getting down with a girl a couple of times and whether for insecurity issues or for clarification purpose she asks “what are we doing”?. The guy says i thought we were just having fun and i’m not ready for anything serious. This happened to a close family member so yeah its no hypothesis.

Anyway, these four words can also be a positive depending on how one chooses to view his glass.

It saves from expending resources, emotions and time and always means you can come back later on and try again. Right? NO? in fact i am lost myself.

Why is it so hard to hang out with someone new for a while without just beginning to develop feelings for the person.

Why is remaining friends with someone cool just down right hard?

Why do we often like people that most times we just cannot get into a relationship with?

Why do cool people at times fall out of our reach?

Why does being friends have the be our only option?

At times we want more than that.

But thats just the pride in us talking.

In the end it might be whats best for us and we know it.

But we cant shake off the “what if”?

*sigh*

WE might not like it but we accept: “Lets Just be friends.”

The concept of kissing


is this what its all about?

is this what its all about?

We have all seen blog-posts about sex, prostitution, relationships, chris and co. haven’t we? Same topic, same arguments and then everyone just goes and continues the way they were.

Let’s take it a notch down shall we. Let’s talk about the little thing that almost always precedes sex but is given as little attention as one can imagine. We call it kissing or to some “tush” people, hitting 1st base.

Its likely the first ever type of physical interaction you had with the opposite sex(or same sex) and what many of us kinda looked forward to in high school and some, maybe University. Heehee ((hugs))

Is it a sin?
Is it not a sin?
Is it right?
Is it wrong?

There are so many schools of thought on this issue that one easily gets confused as to what’s right or wrong.

As for me I don’t believe kissing(on its own) is wrong but the devils that it can bring about make it a treacherous ground to walk on. Stories of young girls and guys who had plans to keep “IT” till they got married but wanted to ‘explore’ just a little bit come to mind. And from a ‘kiss’ it went to 2nd base then to 3rd base and yada yada….we know how this ends.

I for one went on a ‘diet’, and had no physical contact whatsoever with my last girlfriend. This relationship lasted 2yrs but I TOTALLY ignored that aspect and decided to focus on the emotional and intellectual sides and developed a strong bond that wasn’t based on what I was getting(physically). I did this to prove to myself(and a couple of friends) that it was a possibility and NO I wasn’t getting any outside.

Whether my next girlfriend gets any from me remains to be seen but its a good feeling to want more from the opposite sex than just sex and all its cousins and actually have control over your mind and body. *Na GOD help me oh*

By kissing I am also referring to all physical contact without actual sex and penetration(rated err…… 16 or with this new generation 12??)

I thought to myself one day that a kiss is just a general way of showing deep appreciation and affection to someone dear to you, yes? No? Its my blog and post so accept it. :D

But to go on a date and already have a plan as to how you are gonna go for the kiss when you are alone somewhere or when you are dropping the person off at home is just plain wrong in my opinion.

I’ve been with a friend who was with his babe for a whole day and didn’t listen to jack of what she was saying. Time to go home, he knows she will give him ‘the usual’ and his face lights up like a christmas tree. I was burnt for the babe and thought to myself, is this what it’s all about?

Looking back, I think this is what brought about the ‘diet’.

If it occurs spontaneously, for me is when it makes a lot of sense(look back, I am sure you will agree with me), looking forward to and planning a kiss kinda kills the purpose and renders it meaningless.

But who am I kidding? How many times is it spontaneous?

Almost every relationship now is based on the physical but it can and should be much more than that.

But these again are just my thoughts. Will you give a ‘diet’ a try?

*sigh*

*sigh*

The Real Deal II


Really?

Really?

Well I just couldn’t leave the last post at that point and even though I had another write up in mind, let’s see if we can try and wrap things up on relationships this way……

Firstly there are two kinds of relationships. Interpersonal and intimate relationships.
Obviously we will be dealing with intimate relationships in this post.

What is really an intimate relationship? Off the top of my head I will say it’s a
relationship between 2 mature people who build bonds in view of reaching a set target. And mind you maturity here isn’t talking about age but development of ones thinking and the outlook one has on life.

If you are not ready for one, then you are not. Period. DO NOT be forced into one simply because you are trying to make a statement to someone or simply because you are tired of being teased by people over your lack of ‘a significant other’.

Ever seen someone go into a relationship and all of a sudden becomes someone you hardly recognize anymore? Seen a friend ever drift away from people simply because they are trying to please their ‘lover’?

The story of Lolade comes to mind.
A girl with a very decent upbringing who decided she was going to wait out till marriage and also wait for Mr. right and not just test the waters. She had made good on her promise up until she went to Abuja for her NYSC programme and was posted to a bank.

All alone for the first time she faced challenges like never before and didn’t have anyone to call on for help. Along the way she met Alex, who was a dashing businessman and also a valued customer of the branch she worked in. He took interest in her and after a little persuasion she went out with him and before long they were officially dating.

Lolade, a novice in the game, was easily swayed by material things and the ‘sugar coated words’ of Alex and soon started having butterflies in her stomach.

After her service was done, Alex told her it was fun while it lasted but that he didn’t see them going anywhere and the earlier they broke it off the better.

She cried all night as she thought she had gained not only material things from the man, but the man himself. At least something to show her mum as a ‘product’ of NYSC. But alas she had lost everything to this man. Her dreams, her most prized “female assets”, her VIRGINITY, EVERYTHING…

She had learned enough.

Next time she would be wiser.

BULES’ thought: I have seen love screw with the heads of people(male and female inclusive). I have seen the very essence and foundation of true relationships get entangled with physical and material things.

Lolade held out for as long as she could and its props to her but as soon as she let her guard down it became easy for other things to rub off on her and make her mix up her priorities.
The Question today is :
1 What do you base your relationship on?
2. How long do you study a potential partner before going in?
3. Do you set targets and timelines for your relationships?

WHAT’S YOUR TAKE ON THIS?

........

……..

The real deal


Do you know yourself?

Do you know yourself?

It amazes me every passing day that the concept and purpose of relationships is getting more lost on the youth. We seem to use different and at times meaningless values in identifying people of interest to us. Some people are rather keen on ‘testing the waters’ while others are plain ‘thirsty’ and thus anything will do.

Yes I know we are all different and we can not all play by the same rules but it’s my honest opinion that there are certain things that should be considered before getting into and staying in any form of committed relationship.
(Let’s be clear this is just my side of the coin, the comments section is for your side).

1. Discover yourself: who are you? This question sounds so odd and can easily be tossed out of the window, but truth is many people don’t know who they are and thus have no idea what they want from life! A good friend (now a pastor) told me once that “you can only attract what you are”. This statement is partly correct in the sense that the type of person you become will go a long way in determining the kind of spectrum of the opposite sex that you will feel most comfortable with and its likely from such a pool that one will end up finding someone to go into any sort of commitment with. The reason I said partly correct is because this doesn’t apply to everyone but is often true in most of the cases.
Spend time knowing yourself before adding the burden of discovering someone else to your life. In the long run it pays off..
*I got my first girlfriend in SS3, very naïve and had no idea what to do but gladly went ahead with it because I wanted to ‘feel among’. I ended up only looking forward to the physical side to the relationship and paid little attention to developing actual bonds and dealing with real issues. This relationship quickly broke down as soon as the lady in question went to school outside Nigeria – lesson learnt*

2. Have a stable group of friends: now this is one principle that is grossly understated and misunderstood. Understated in the sense that people don’t value true friendships and misunderstood in the sense that people do not know what/who actual friends are. Let me give you a quick example, in your class in school or at work, you have friends, work/course-mates, seat partners, reading partners, colleagues, people you say hi to and people that are just in your office/class. You cannot be friends with everyone that’s in your circle. A friend is that person that even if you want to deny it, you know is always there for you. Take a look back, relationships have come and gone but certain people have remained permanent in your life. Their role: they know you quite well and always let you know if you’re going about stuff the wrong way, they should be the first to meet the new ‘catch’ and if the new catch blends in quickly with your ‘paddies’, trust me it breaks a lot of ice for the 2 of you.
*After finishing high school, I kept a few friends close to me (2 in particular) and we soon formed an inseparable bond and we subconsciously scrutinized prospective dates and ensured they felt at home with us, as one girlfriend (name withheld) at the time said, “marry femi and you know you are marrying three men”, they have also helped in turning away girls who they felt will be negative influences on me (again names withheld). But most importantly, they will let me have the truth, even when I prefer to be in denial*.

3. Tread New Paths: There is nothing better in a relationship than in the two people finding new common grounds and discovering new things about themselves. Do not try to imitate another couple simply because you think they are perfect or have it all worked out. Remember, human beings(especially us Nigerians) like to form and you can never see from a persons face, what is really going on, so tread carefully. A happy looking couple could very well be facing a lot of problems behind closed doors and do well to eclipse that aspect from public eyes. Find what works for you and stick to it.
*i wish I had an experience to fill in here but sadly, I only came about this after the last break-up and will really go for it with the next ‘catch’*.

*side – note* A blog that’s too long will bore people out so I have to make this into a two or maybe three part series and stop just there.

A person who spends quality time finding and developing themselves will obviously be more mature than his/her counterparts; as we all know maturity is definitely not by age. If they end up finding someone who has done the same, it will surely lead to a better relationship. I asked on twitter recently what is love, and got the weirdest answers and it dawned on me that people still see love as a tangible and materialistic thing. I don’t have the perfect answer but I am positive that its not just a tangible or materialistic thing but its more of a school of thought and a way of life. I can’t just love someone, someone has to look at me and see love in me. Again that’s just me, what’s your own take?

Together

Together