Le Début De Sexe


The question that goes through most girls minds, I’m sure. To shag on the first date or not?

Some mates and I had this discussion while slightly inebriated and though there were filthy jokes cracked, when I woke up the next day with a teensy weensy hangover and thought about it, I think we weren’t so far off point.

When to have sex? The first date, the ubiquitous third date, whenever we feel like it, or when we’re in an exclusive relationship and/or married?

So the first date went well. The food was great (or movie or whatever it is we got up to), the conversation flowed wonderfully, we are slightly buzzing and he’s about to drop me off at home (or we’re thinking of sharing a cab). Then the question goes through my mind – should I reply his invitation to go back to his with a yes or should I just go home?

My mates and I had different opinions about this. Some felt, sod it. Go for it on the first date. Others, not so much. Best to tackle the varying opinions one after the other.

Firstly, those that thought marriage – none. I mean, come on, maybe we’re too modern or too carefree but I don’t think anyone still goes into marriages as virgins. Maybe they do, but I’m fairly certain it’s very rare. Of course there are girls that pretend to be virgins and want to keep it till marriage. Then lie that their hymens were ruptured during sports or some excuse of that sort. How pointless, like he will still get the D from somewhere else while you’re guarding your precious (Gollum voice). And I’m not saying this because I believe guys are horny beasts. Well…they are *chuckle* but it’s just their nature. Men think of and require (I guess) sex. Even girls…but it’s been sort of hammered into us so much that it’s become a part of us – sex is important for guys and not so much for girls…if you know what I mean.

Those that thought exclusive relationships – very few. Life isn’t how it was back in secondary school. Then we were actually asked ‘Do you want to go out with me?’ Or ‘Do you want to be my girlfriend?’ Heck, hardly anyone goes ‘Let’s make this exclusive’ anymore. It sort of seamlessly slides into exclusivity from fafferage or fun. So majority of us thought, how on earth would you know that you’re having sex now that it’s exclusive when it might still be ‘fun’ for the guy? Except if the girl actually goes, ‘Oi, is this exclusive now?’ Then it might not be clear. I guess as long as the girl believes that she’s in some sort of proper relationship she won’t feel guilty or naughty. As incredible as this sounds, a lot of girls feel this way. Especially Nigerian girls. This way, even if their ‘gist’ spreads, they can say they only ‘did it’ while in proper or serious relationships.

 

Those that thought third dates – a lot. Even the lads. I guess this is because it’s like some unwritten rule. Don’t have sex till the third date. This way, you don’t seem like a slag by giving it up the first day and by the third you think the guy likes your company enough to have wanted to see you three times hence shagging him won’t stop him from wanting to see you again.

Those that thought first date – very few. Yup, not surprising right? Well, what’s the point waiting till the second or third or tenth date? If you like him and there’s chemistry why not open wide and enjoy some good old pummelling? Maybe because he’ll think you’re definitely A SLAG and won’t call you again since he’s gotten what he really wanted at the end of the day so why waste time and effort and money treating you to something/somewhere nice on another date? On the other hand, if he truly likes you then it doesn’t matter if you lot shag on the first date or not. He’ll still call you. There are some that keep their legs closed till the 70th date (if he lasts that long). ‘Let me tell you something, hun. If he just wants to fuck he’s willing to wait no matter how long.’ That’s what a mate said. And it’s true. There are some lads that will wait for months for sex and once they get it they’re off. It’s patience, really. And it becomes a sort of game for them. Don’t think holding out will make him fall in love with you, only God knows what’s going on in the chap’s mind and your holding out won’t change a thing. Except if he’s very traditional and if he is, then maybe he doesn’t want to ‘soil’ you and he’s getting it from somewhere else.

Ah, and there are those that feel having sex very early on is a determining factor in burgeoning relationships. Just imagine waiting for days then maybe really liking him/her then you lot finally shag. And he’s crap. Or she is. ‘Or he’s got a tiny cock’ (we all cackled here). Bummer, no?

Either way, this is a topic where people have set ideas on when it should be given up. It’s a topic that causes arguments or the standard ‘we’ll have to agree to disagree.’

My opinion is…well I bet you’d like to know which category I fall into *smirk*

Xoxo

@LaComTessNoire

*****

Well, simples.

What Category do you fall into and what attitude do you have towards sex in relationships?

How much of it is needed, if any at all and why?

Kindly share your views using the comment box.

Cheers

David


David.

Not the one in the bible that stoned and killed the arrogant philistine.

Her David. He was coming home. She smiled.

It had been twelve months. Twelve long, cold, hard, lonely, sad months. She had missed him so much. So damn much. Thinking about how much she had missed him made her feel a kind of pain that was indescribable. Thankfully it was over now. Her David was coming home. She could smile again.

She had been planning his return ever since he called her two weeks ago to confirm that he was finally coming home. He was a Captain in the Nigerian Army and had been serving in a year long peace-keeping mission for the UN in Libya. He was her “Hero”.

Thoughts of him in his military uniform with shiny brass buttons made her so proud. Tonight her Captain was coming home. She loved the sound of that. Her Captain.

She giggled to herself as she stirred the stew she was cooking. She was cooking white rice with stew and plantain. His best meal. Most men loved starchy foods with complicated soups but her David loved rice and never got bored of eating it. He had complained about never getting to eat rice the way he liked it while he was in Libya. Tonight he was going to taste rice again. Better than the way he liked it.

Fourteen months and twelve days ago she had walked down the aisle and said “I do” to the one man she loved more than life. Her David. He was everything she could ever dream of. Everything she had ever hoped for. He was funny. Scratch that, hilarious. He could make the sickest joke out of the most mundane of things. He was nice. Genuinely nice. If David had 1000 naira, he could give out 999 of it and not mind having just 1 naira left. She hated that about him cause it made some of his friends and family take advantage of him but that was David. Take it or leave it. He was such a happy person. There was hardly anything anyone could do or say to dampen his mood. Not that he didn’t have his off days or never frowned but his moods changed because he let them. Never because someone said or did something. He was responsible. So responsible it irked her. He hardly ever left anything undone and when he did, he always had a good reason. He was understanding. So understanding he made excuses for everyone. No matter how obvious the person’s foolishness or stupidity was, David had an explanation that could make you think differently. He made excuses for everyone and everything including their golden retriever, Willy. As if he heard his name in her head, he barked in agreement. She smiled as she turned off the gas as the rice was ready and poured cooking oil in a frying pan to fry the plantain.When she met David two years ago she knew that there was something different about him. Something she wanted to become a permanent part of her life. Something she couldn’t let go of and so she held onto him. Tight. A good number of girls were interested in him and they had good reason. He was 6’5, light-skinned and had a strong-build. He was good-looking too. He had the most amazing smile and funny-looking ears. He said he had been teased about his ears in nursery and primary school but as he grew taller in secondary school, his mates got bored of laughing at his ears. She didn’t care. She loved his ears. His funny-looking ears. She loved every inch of him.

She was done frying the plantain. In fact she was done cooking. She looked at the kitchen clock. It was 7pm. His plane was due to land in thirty minutes and because they didn’t have to go through any hassles whatsoever at the airport being Nigerian soldiers, it would take the Army Bus an hour to drop him off at their home. Good. She had one hour and thirty minutes to get ready to welcome the love of her life. Butterflies fluttered in her tummy. It felt like they were dating again. She hurriedly set the table and proceeded to the bathroom to take a shower. During the past twelve months, she had looked forward to his letters, phone calls, texts, emails and video calls. They were all she had to hold on to. He was allowed to call home once in every two months and send a letter every four weeks but he never used all of his allocated slots as he instead focused on his work and explained how being able to discipline himself and not call home too often stood him a better chance of top ratings and promotions.

He didn’t come home. Not that the Army wouldn’t let him but the only time he was scheduled to have a leave for three weeks, he had an accident in the army truck he was given to drive. It took him four weeks to be restored back to good health. She had never been more scared in her entire life. It had taken him four weeks to fully recuperate. That was one week longer than his scheduled leave. They refused to let him come home for another leave. Stupid army policies. Not that it mattered now. He was coming home today.

She got out of the bathroom and started dressing up. She had gone shopping the week before with her friend Tomisin. Tomi’s husband had been deployed to Liberia two years ago and so she understood what it was like to be an “Army Wife”. Her husband was back home now but Tomi offered to help her “prep” in every possible way for David’s return. They shopped for everything. Foodstuff, home decor to jazz up the house, clothes that hugged her in the right places, shoes that were perfect for any and every occasion, lingerie, scented body oils, body lotions, perfumes and so on. Tomi even helped her pick what she called “the perfect outfit” from the underwear to the dress itself. She wasn’t going to wear it though. Tomi could go a bit overboard sometimes. A leopard print dress and red stilletos weren’t exactly David’s taste. She decided instead to wear a short black dress. It was simple but hugged her contours perfectly and she knew David would appreciate it. She wasn’t going to wear shoes. It was afterall their home and David loved her feet. She wore red lipstick and brushed her long weave then she sprayed some perfume on her neck and wrists and made her way downstairs to touch up the living room and dinner table.

As she adjusted one of the couch pillows, she heard a bus pull up in front of their house. She jumped in excitement then she quickly composed herself and adjusted her dress. She felt like a teenager all over again. Only David had this effect on her. Someone pressed the doorbell. She hesitated. She didn’t know if she should jump on him or gently hug him or scream or kiss him. She was glad she had locked Willy in his cage at the backyard. With Willy and David two things could happen. Willy might not recognise him and in attempting to defend her, might hurt David or Willy might remember David and steal all the attention from her by barking and jumping in excitement. A rush of emotions welled up inside her. Her David was finally home.

She finally made her way to the front door and opened it. There he was, her David. Her eyes moistened. He looked exhausted but strong, his eyes told a tale of the dark evil he had seen and he clutched his bag in his right hand like it was all he had left in the world.“Oh baby…” she whispered. “Welcome home.” She said as she hugged him. He barely hugged her and went straight for the couch, but she put it down to fatigue and took his bag from him and went in. She dropped off his luggage upstairs and wondered why he was cold, “Maybe his favourite meal and some rest will bring him around” she thought to herself. She was barely down the stairs when she heard him yelling, “What’s all this nonsense? Why did you rearrange the whole house? Who told you to do that?” as he forcefully rearranged the settee and media arrangement by himself. She was dumbfounded as to where all this animosity had swelled up from.

She went to the kitchen and served up his meal and took them to the dining table which she had set up for a romantic dinner but this was turning into nothing like it. “Dinner is served, honey”, as she walked up to him as he didn’t hear the first time. She tapped him on the shoulder and he greeted her with a slap, “I heard you the first time and i’m not interested”. It felt like she had been hit by a forceful rush of wind. She blinked as she placed her palm on her now warm right cheek. She wanted to speak but she couldn’t find her voice. She stormed upstairs and slammed the door behind her. He watched her leave without saying a word and went to the bar and poured himself a glass of Jack Daniels. Then he sat down in the living room and sipped from the glass as he reminisced the events of that night:

He was on foot patrol and as soon as he was done he was supposed to be at an army karaoke night/dinner but he had to call his wife who had sent him a letter complaining that he hadn’t called in four months and hadn’t sent a letter in three months. He would rather not do so but he went ahead and told the crew he’ll catch up with them at the hall. About 7km from base he heard a series of gunshots and he ducked behind a car not entirely sure where it was coming from. Suddenly he felt a prick in his back of something cold and then he was told to surrender quietly or risk being shot. He had no choice but to comply. He spent seven excruciating weeks in the enemies lair and he kept wondering why his wife had insisted on him calling her. Couldn’t she have waited a little bit longer? He had only five months to go. Luckily he was rescued after the army chiefs had authorised an exchange seeing as David was a promising agent and had a bright future ahead of him. They never did prisoner exchanges but he was an exception. This is what hurt him, his career would have been cut short because of a five minute phone call.

He blamed her. He loved her but he blamed her.

He drifted into sleep on the couch as he didn’t want to go to the room they shared.

The next morning came and she had barely had any sleep. She had cried to herself and wondered what had happened to her David. She heard him outside and saw him playing with Willy and was glad he had recognised David and she thought to herself that He must be a lot better this morning and went ahead to meet up with him. As soon as she opened the door and stepped on the lawn, He gave willy a nice rub on the head and headed back inside, walking right beside her and not acknowledging her. She wished the ground will open up and swallow her.

She wanted her David back.

He had come back, but he was not the David she knew.

He had changed.
****************
This piece was written by myself and @Ms_BeeA.

Do share with us what you think about the experiences of David and how it changed him.
Is it really his wife’s fault or is he just overreacting?
Can anything be done to restore the relationship to what it used to be?

Use the comment box to speak your mind.
Cheers.

The Veil


This is a post someone sent to me to read and I just decided to share with people.

It’s an amazing piece and I hope someone leaves this place today with some lessons learned and a couple of tips.

Enjoy!

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question.

This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Jane so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and fell asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain.

From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

Normally I would write something here and try to make sense of this story. But today I will leave you guys to just do the talking.

Cheers.

McDREAMy II


Is This The Truth?

Is This The Truth?

Welcome people.

Last Time we had a story about a dream girl and many girls had their say on it and felt we were over-reaching and being unrealistic. If you missed it read it here http://bulejr.wordpress.com/2011/06/21/mcdreamy/

Its only fair that we have their own side of the story and allow them dream as well Right?

So I got my good friend @ukabah(who happened to be the most outspoken person on that post) to write the female response to McDREAMy.

Enjoy!!

So we all saw @bule_jr’s dream girl but as the name implies, she was only in his dreams.

My dream guy will be 6ft 4inches, well -built, not enough to scare people away but enough to look like Zeus; shirt-less.

He is handsome beyond words, with a sexy smile that starts with a little curve at the side of his mouth and slowly widens to display perfect teeth.

His laugh is magical and can make all my problems seem unimportant, his touch is gentle, his words always kind.

He speaks English, Espanol and Italian(ah bellisima!) fluently. He would have eyes that look into the soul, he would love, care and understand with all his heart.

He will always be there no matter what, he would give up the world for me, give his whole heart to me. He would know when I need him, just by looking at me, no need for words.

He would control my moods easily, when he kisses me, the world would cease to exist and only that moment would matter.

Ah! Could my eyes be deceiving me? He’s sitting right there in the corner at the restaurant. His hair slicked back so sexy, his suit looking like it was made on him, his hands smooth and nails well manicured.

His Italian shoes tapping gently to the music playing. This has to be him, he fits my description in every way, he is perfect! He had those eyes, the ones that just let me know he would be all I need and more.

Could he be waiting for someone?

Anger boiled inside me thinking about how a lady could keep a treasure like this waiting, if he were mine, I’d never let him out of my sight.

I watched patiently, thinking of what could possibly make good conversation between us, what excuse would I have to go over there?

Do I write a note and give to the waiter to take to him? Or do I go over and hope I don’t make a fool of myself.

Finally, I summon the courage and smooth down the skirt of my dress. Just as I get to my feet I see him; a much older man, coming straight for Mr Perfect’s table.

I relax…it’s not a girl after all, business meeting perhaps?

So perfect and hard-working…this is too good to be true. *sigh*

Still making my way over very slowly, I stop suddenly.

Why are they hugging tightly?

Why did the old man’s hands slightly run up Mr Perfect’s back?

And why when they sat down, were they still holding hands across the table?

And then it happened, the older one leaned across and kissed my Mr Perfect lightly on the lips.

Now it all made sense, what was I thinking?

So that’s that. I have to say thank you to the beautiful @ukabah for a very nice write up.

But again this is just a response for the guys to come and defend themselves after they felt battered last time around. :D

Are the girls over-reaching as well?

Are there really perfect Guys out there?

Does anybody’s dream spouse come true?

Feel free to share your comments about the perfect guy and whether its right for them to dream or they should just manage anything that comes our way.

Cheers people.

Relationships = Jamb

Relationships = Jamb

“The Concept Of Dating”


cute couple

cute couple

What is about dating that can be so hard at times. I mean c’man, a guy meets a girl or a girl meets a guy and after a couple of ‘hang outs’ they realise they have some chemistry and decide to go into a relationship. I mean in a nutshell this is what it is(or supposed to be) plus or minus a few things. Right? No?
What now makes it so complicated?

Why is it that it takes over your whole life and consumes you when its supposed to complement you and make you a better person?

Why does it make us act silly most of the time instead of helping to fine tune our lives?

So many questions, yet so few answers.

I am no expert and this isn’t entirely original but let’s discuss on certain rules that might/should/could/ help relationships.

1. Dating Rule #1: Don’t Lose Who You Are

Your first priority in a relationship – no matter what kind of a relationship you are in – is to be yourself. To do that, you’ll need to love yourself by ensuring you are ready to date before taking the plunge, as well as having a strong sense of self-worth and esteem.

2. Dating Rule #2: Ensure Every Date is Fun

Not only does trying to make your date happy make you feel good, but it is also one of the first signs of attraction. And studies have shown that when taking someone out on a date, the primary way your date will be determined a success of is how much fun was had. Err? Ok

3. Dating Rule #3: Communicate Well and Clearly

It is impossible to have a healthy relationship without strong communication. In essence, communication is the bridge that forms between partners, helping them create a sacred space in the middle ground where they meet in order to foster love and intimacy. Without clear communication, two people who seem like they are connected romantically to outsiders truly aren’t; instead they just going through the motions, lacking the intimacy they require to move forward, together.

4. Dating Rule #4: Be a Strong Negotiator

When communication alone isn’t enough to weather a relationship through stormy times, negotiation skills come into play. In order to work through the issues that arise in these kinds of circumstances, both partners must be able and willing to negotiate. When done with respect and awareness, negotiation can be the key to unlock a shared bright future.

5. Dating Rule #5: Nurture Your Relationship

All dating relationships require tender loving care in order to thrive. Daily appreciation, respect, attentiveness, reciprocity and kindness all work towards showing your partner that you cherish them and value their contribution to your life.

6. Dating Rule #6: Touch

Now every person in a relationship needs to have that physical connection and needs to ‘feel’ loved and cared for. A cuddle while watching a movie or Afmag, holding hands on the beach, or plain stroking of the hair. Might seem small but trust me it goes a long way, especially for them ladies. :D trust me there is a place for physical touch.

7. Dating Rule #7: Space

Its hard for many couples to understand that not every trouble faced or fight must be sorted out by talking about it immediately. Especially for girls, many times a guy just wants to be alone and clear his thoughts. If and when he does that he will call/text you. And by the way this counts also not only when you fight but when he just wants to hang with the guys. Give him that room to just be free without nagging or wanting to tag along. He will miss you soon enough and come crawling back.

8. Dating Rule #8: Trust

Even I don’t know what to write about this but just know it has to be there some how. No and I repeat *shouting* NO relationship will work without trust. You have to let go and let GOD if not there’s no point being in it.

After writing this and looking through them myself, I have but one conclusion: THERE
ARE NO FREAKING RULES AS TO HOW TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP LAST LONGER PERIOD
.
Who says if you do all these it will last?
Who says not doing any won’t make it last?
I could have written more but said I should leave them out for you all to share in the comment box.
And also please share anything that has helped you in times past; your words of wisdom could save a relationship today. *winks*

P.S coming from the writer of the ‘DIET’ err #6 might not be the way for everybody. #okbye

Cheers.

dating Tips?

dating Tips?

Friends & family


Hey so i was wondering.
Who’s family?
Who are friends?

No we are not talking about the ‘family & friends’ scam from networks like MTN.
We are talking about actual people.

To be honest, a very thin line exists between family and friends. the key is who is actual family and who is a real friend.

I didn’t write this but a friend did and he has decided to remain anonymous.
I will call him the “Ghost Writer” from here on.
I give you family and friends. Enjoy.

The concepts of “friend” and “family” are concepts which have confused me greatly, and have effectively done so since I was about 13 or 14 I’m closer to 30 than I am to 21 now! (yes, those who are close to me will tell you I’ve long had a roving, abstract mind) but its not the definitions of these words that have had me scratching my head for so long, oh noooooo, its more the application to everyday life that’s got me looking for the real me in one of those house of mirrors thingies.

Now if we’re meant to go by the definition of “friend” in the Oxford learners’ advanced-“one who we know and like but is NOT OF THE FAMILY”- then that guy/girl who has always been there for us, picked us up when we were down, shared everything with us, never questioned us even when he/she knew we were lying, had our backs when stones were being flung at us, BUT was not birthed by our mother or does not fall under those ‘conventional’ links that link you to the proper definition of the word ‘family’, can only be a friend. This, suo moto, is acceptable.

Then we have the word ‘family’, defined by the same source to include the “parents, children and their close relatives” and if we’re to go by this definition, then you may begin to see where my confusion takes route from. What I understand here is that the brother who stabbed and killed me, the father who raped my sister, the mother who abandoned me, the uncle who robbed me of my inheritance, the aunty who prostituted my sister, the cousin who raped my wife, the brother who slept with my wife…….is my family……this also is acceptable? HELL to the freaking NOOOOO.

What my rather slow brain is finding it rather difficult to process (and yes my brain is still trying to process this after about 14-15years) is that friend who did everything my ‘family’ was meant to do and even does everything that my brother does, is not family for the simple reason that he does not fall under that category that we have all come to know and subconsciously accept. In the same vein, my brain is also still trying to process the belief that these members of my family who have done these awful things to me and to other members of my family are placed as family over and above those who have played ‘the family’ in my life simply because of that belief and that awfully inadequate definition, in my opinion and its exceedingly laughable.:D

I mean I know of people who took in total, complete strangers into their families and they lived with them ate their food, they were bought clothes, fees were paid, and for anyone to tell me that, stricto sensu, such people can only go as far as friends of the family can only offend the senses of anyone with a mind such as mine.

I mean why refer to a friend as such when the only difference, in function, between him and your brother is that last name? Some might say I’m taking this a bit too seriously as they are just definitions but “I ask you to think of that situation where u’ll have to pick between one and/or the other individual and u’ll realise it goes far beyond dictionary definition”. If u ever get to that stage where u need to pick and you pick, without thinking, that “friend” over your “brother” then why would u still refer to that person as a friend? I mean you can cleanly and, without conscience, cut off a friend for say sleeping with your wife but a la Ryan Giggs, u’d say?!? *sigh*

Another question has often crossed my mind, at what point do you cut off family? If there is such a point, the saying blood is thicker than water comes to mind, family bonds blah zay……but I think all these muddle ups and confusions are based on what u think, I think you define who family is to you, I have “family” I have not spoken to in well over two years, but I have “friends” that I simply cannot go 3days without talking to and checking up on. I have “family” that I need to remember that passage in the bible (there is nothing special in loving a friend, love those who hate u Matt 5:46) in order to help and there’s friends that I’d die for without giving it a 1st thought, let’s talk less for a second……but look through this entire write up……I’ve fallen prey to the very confinement I complain about haven’t I?……..*sigh*

These are just the inner workings of a forever roving mind, feel free to disregard them everyone.

So thats about that. Thanks to the “Ghost Writer”. I don’t even know what to make of this because i too have similar issues regarding family and friends.. please use the comment box to share your opinion and lets see if we can try and at least get to the roots of this rather delicate issue.
Cheers