Awkward Dates


@bule_jr: We have been a bit serious on the first 4 date days and we discussed what happens before a first date and the ideas behind a perfect first date from both sexes.

Today let’s get a little humour as we look at what happens when a date goes horribly wrong for a guy. Enjoy.

@KevinWithAnL

The perfect date.
What the hell is a perfect date? I think 1/1/11 will qualify. No? My bad.

I was approached by @bule_jr and given a rundown on his desire to put up a series of posts on what constitutes a perfect date and how it plays out. Unfortunately for you dear reader and me the pathetic writer, I have had very few dates and they were far from perfect so welcome to #TeamScrewPerfectDates.

I’m a guy (the last time I checked I.e just now, grabbing my balls) and I’m going to just vent on here about how frustrating dates can be especially when you expect them to go all fairy tale-like. I’m sure my brothers will feel me on this one and my cute sisters will take a cue or two.

DISCLAIMER: what you are about to read are figments of my imagination. Similarities to real life occurrences are purely coincidental. No one, I repeat NO ONE should assume or accuse the writer of first hand experience of the scenarios listed. I’m a boss! Enough Said!

So finally, I had succeeded in getting Halima to go on a date with me. I mean, if you know what I went through. The regular calls, the sending of credit (come to think of it, I was just sending her credit like a fool, who was she calling?) I had gone to visit her at work with a lunch pack and also at home on sunday after service with yet another lunch pack. It was on this occasion that I had asked if she would love to go on a date with me…

*sidebar* SelahPoint1 : can you be dating someone you haven’t gone on a date with?

Well, she said yes and my troubles began.

Ha! Halima said YES Winning!!! And then it hit me, I hadn’t thought of where I was taking her. In the period of ‘toasting’, I had bought her enough take-away stuff from most eateries, so that wasn’t gonna fly.

Meanwhile, sisters, the answer to the question “Do you want me to get you anything?” Isn’t Yes!
Actually, its a rhetorical question. Do NOT answer but if you have to, NO is what we want to hear!

*sidebar* SelahPoint 2: Guys, a date doesn’t mean let’s go and eat!

Eventually, I decided to take Halima to GET Arena, have some go – kart sessions, head over to GDC to see a movie and then crown it with dinner. It seemed like the perfect plan to sweep any girl off her feet.

D – day arrives, “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad at the end of it”. This was my quick morning prayer. I had spoken to Halima the night before and she kept referring to how she was looking forward to our ‘first date’ as if I didn’t know that she was codedly telling me “its too late to turn back now!” I hadn’t told her my plans so all was well. Being a very detailed person, I had counted the cost of this date package..let me just say that if I were to walk past any bank after this date, their security alarms would naturally be triggered..I was going to get a room at BrokeBack street. However, Halima was worth it, we would just stay away from outings till further dates (pun intended)

Finding what to wear wasn’t hard. Thank God that there really isn’t much noticeable difference with clean and dirty jeans and I had my ever reliable and Clean Polo casual shirt. Threw on my suede loafers, dabbed on my Davidoff ‘cool water’ and I was good to go. Looking like a couple thousand naira, I left my crib, I felt like I was floating with each step..ha! Halima will hear it today!

Then it hit me!

I had to go get her! Choi! This means cab fare as omo boy doesn’t have a personal car yet..here I was at Ikeja, there she was at Shomolu and we were headed to V.I. What was I thinking? Oh then again, I wasn’t thinking! This is where money begins to go and the excitement I started the day with began to dwindle.

I got to hers and you know now, she wasn’t fully ready. This means Oga Lanre (the cabbie) had to wait for a while. This wasn’t funny.

Halima stays with her family so I had to be the proper gentleman and wait in the lobby while she got ready. My mind was calculating figures, my body was figuring out calculations and interpreting the result in sweat and a heightened urge to pee. I made my way to the loo and refreshingly let go…”Ahhhh, relief”, dangled a couple of times and Zipped “AAAARRRGGGHHH” pain!

*sidebar* SelahPoint 3: Guys, always completely tuck in Mr LongJohnBlack before zipping up!

Halima looked good! Damn! Those jeans seemed like a second skin and they did flatter her assets. Her polo shirt had the first 3 buttons undone giving me a glimpse of those “ehen! Why you dey look me? I go wound your eye” boobies! X_x

Long story short, I had to part with 3k for Oga Lanre for the trip and just as I (being a gentleman) came down to open Halima’s door (It couldn’t open from inside actually), a passing danfo bus decided to zoom through a puddle of water and Voila! My jeans took on an instant polka dot design. I just smiled at Halima and said “its ok” while inside I cursed deeply.

*sidebar* SelahPoint 4: Guys, Nigerian women don’t need you to open doors for them. Except the door has ‘special’ opening methods!

Go – Karting was fun until Halima constantly rammed me off the track. Oh no! I’m a boss, you don’t do that! I rammed into her just once and..emm…her kart kinda tumbled and it just seemed like something out of the Humpty Dumpty poem. She had a small ‘coco’ on her head..I don’t think telling her it looked sexy made matters better.

Movie time and we decided to see ‘Couples Retreat’. I mean such a perfect movie for our first date. She requested for the jumbo popcorn and coke meal, choi!! My a/c balance was refreshing in my head..”this is not good” I thought to myself.

As the movie progressed, I decided to practice all I’d learnt watching movies, place your hand over her seat, draw nearer , nibble on her neck and then lean in for the kiss. I was about to lean in when I was tapped from behind “Psst…my little boy is here with me, please respect yourselves!” I turned and saw an elderly woman and her kid staring at us like my mum does when she gives you the “I’m going to mess you up today” look.

*sidebar* SelahPoint 5: Guys, ensure you seat at ‘sin zone’ if you plan on cinema mischief. SinZone is the last row of seats!

I can’t even remember what the movie was about. I was sulking throughout, watching as other couples around snuggled in to each other and stuff. Mtscheeew. Why do they allow kids into cinemas sef? And Halima just had to say “he’s such a cute kid” The little Hell spawn!

Well, I was kinda hoping that the jumbo popcorn meal will suffice for dinner so I asked as we exited the cinema, “are we still doing dinner dear?” Of course, she says. Damn! I mutter. Lucky for us, dinner was still going to be at the Palms, so I ask again “what would you like to have?” At this point, I was expecting the humble “anything” answer but NO! Halima surely wanted me to remember this date. She says “can we do chinese?”
CHINESE? Who is that? Is it a new type of jollof rice? Oh Lord! I understand how Jesus felt when He said “it is finished!”

Trying my best to make this a perfect date, I obliged, with my chin up “No problem”. We go in, sit and the menu is before us. Halima scans through and selects item no 26. I quickly scroll to the price, its 4k..My brain automatically whispers “that’s two cartons of Indomie noodles and some spaghetti” SHIT! Then she asks “aren’t you going to order?” Order ke! I flash her a smile, the waiter returns and I say “item no 26 for the lady and emm..a bottle of your coldest mineral for me thanks”

Halima did eat her full, and I somehow expertly made sure my drink lasted the whole duration of the dinner. I had excused myself to go to the ATM and she reluctantly allowed after I dropped my BlackBerry as ‘collateral’ (curve 2 is still more than 4k). My a/c balance was N6026.00, I withdrew 4k to add to the 2k I had with me.
I paid for the meal and we left. Halima linked her hand with mine as we strutted out to the car park and i felt on top of the world! We got a cab without much stress and the journey home began.

Halima was quiet all through and had her face away from me. Choi! Me that had planned to at least get some mouth action here in the backseat.

As a bad guy, I leaned in, All of a sudden, I could have sworn I heard a mini trumpet sound…and then it came again in tiny short busts. I looked at Halima, she was sweating and sitting on one butt cheek. The stench in the car would have raised Lazarus. What the hell do they put in chinese food? The car reeked of a moi moi and egg. Thank God for traffic, the driver, cursing in yoruba came out of the car, I followed suit pretending to be scanning the extent of the traffic.

No kisses, Running stomachs, Coco to the head, depleted funds, Polka dotted jeans and two embarassed people that just wanted the day to end doesn’t quite paint the picture of a perfect date, yeah?

*sidebar* SelaHpoint 6: The relationship isn’t built on the success of a date but on the comfort of both parties.

Halima and i had a lot to laugh about afterwards when we relieved the days events. It didn’t turn out how I had planned but we now know the importance of Mama Puts and simple eatery take-aways.

Dates may go the way you planned but they will always just be numbers on a calendar! The connection the people have makes the experience timeless!

Its yóur boy keLvin…
************************************************************************************************
This is a bit different from what we have been having on here but its needed.
Let’s tone it down a bit.

Today we are discussing awkward moments that guys have had on dates and all of us can testify to having something just not go right on a date. Right?

Let’s the guys just share the awkward moments that they have had on dates.

Ladies tell us also awkward moments your boyfriends, brothers, cousins or roommates boyfriend have had. DO NOT share your own……. Just Yet. Tomorrow you all will share yours.
Just share and laugh with/at us as you please. We shall do same to y’all tomorrow.

This really should be fun.

Use the comment box and have a go with this.

Cheers.

Day 5

Day 5

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77 responses to “Awkward Dates

  1. buhahahahahahahaha! Kelvin o! LHKM!

    on a serious SelahPoint tho, i agree: The comfort and connection are all that matter at the end of the day.

  2. GAWD!!! D most hilarious post I ve ever read. But sha d baba na idiot, he didn’t av moni bt wanted to tk a babe on a date dat mos def isn’t wisdom oh. But like afrosays,”its d connection b/w both parties ylst dey r being demselves dat counts”
    Men! I’m still laffn

    • CHOI!!! Idiot? on behalf of the guy, i take offense ahn ahn… besides, dates don’t always involve money o! have you seen couples shooting rubber bands at their backyards? oh u haven’t, no wonder…lol…Thanx for coming…check again 2mrw o!

  3. OMG!!!!
    i think the summary of it is just to be comfortable with the person you’re on a date with…It makes life easy!!!
    And then, maybe ladies should consider going dutch (splitting the bill equally) with the guys sometimes…a great guy would appreciate it, and a not-so-great guy would remain clueless!

    P.S. @kevinwithanl i ADORE your writing style-i was laughing fro the very first line!!!

  4. Lwkm o! Kelvin!
    O well I guess awkward dates are good too as long as you get to relive and laugh about it..
    Good one..
    Thumbs up ‘ Baba Blue’

  5. This KeLvin guy sef….smh

    This was totally awesome and so damn real. Awon boys must be able to relate with this…cool stuff.

  6. Buahahahahahahaha. Hilarious! How abt on ur way back frm a ‘date’ u and d babe get robbed in traffic? Well, my car once broke down on me while wit a babe. I felt akward. Luckily we r quite comfortable wit each other. That’s all I can think of for now.

    • mehn thats a great time for P to be set…if i’m in that situation, i’ll ask the robbers to take our clothes as well so that we would have to keep each other warm 😀

  7. Yeah, I can split the bills only if we are in a relationship. Or if I ask you on a date. Otherwise, gentlemen, pay the bills.
    And err, we girls should stop ordering for what we cannot afford biko. And always play safe and eat what u’re familiar with. If u want to experiment, not on the gentleman’s pocket, take urself OUT.

    • i could kiss you for this comment but I WON’T cos my girlfriend rocks and 2. cos do you taste like groundnuts? they give me cough…
      Thanks dear…lol

  8. Okay this is like the funniest thing i’ve come across in ages buahahahahahahahahahahahahaha, *i’m on the floor*. This was hilarious! Meanwhile since i’m not Nigerian, whats Jollof Rice???

    • Its a nigerian rice dish where d rice is boiled in pepper and stuff and is absolutely lovely. Goto wikepidia.com/jollofrice or google it. You should try making it too. What country are you from again?
      Sent from my BlackBerry® smartphone provided by Airtel Nigeria.

  9. Bwahahahahaha! “D stench in d car wud have raised Lazarus?” LWKMD!! Hilarious post kelvin, nice 1! And yeah thumbs up @bule_jr

  10. The guy coulda just farted right back to make it look like a game…Oh shoot, he had only cold mineral for dinner….
    Nice piece here kevin…with an L.

  11. This was funny! What does Selah mean?

    Re awkward moments…I was taken on a date once when I was on holiday in Naija. We went to Reeds for dinner. Dude decided to order wine with dinner- great. I love my wine. Thanks to my dad I actually have a pretty good nose for it too, but it’s customary for the guy to choose and taste the wine so I sat there batting my lashes. The wine came and the waiter poured a tiny bit into the dude’s glass in the ordinary way and stood back for him to taste it. “Ah, what kind of nonsense is this!” my date shouted, all traces of the laid back, husky voiced, manchocolate I’d allowed to pick me up gone! “I paid for an entire bottle, you people want to give me not even one sip??”. I and the waiter had to calm him down and explain it was just so he could taste it….

    Guys! Don’t pretend to be more knowledgeable than you are! I didn’t ask for wine and would have been perfectly happy with a diet coke but he wanted to ‘show his sophistication…’ and ended up showing his ass…..LOL

    • Selah is a kinda intermission between a series of verses in the Bible…..sometimes a summary, sometimes a prayer. Esp. In Psalms…
      Ps. Not a dictionary deftn. 😀

    • Of course you will know what this will feel or sound like seeing as you my friend are such an expert… :p

  12. Lmao.. Oh my I havnt laffed dis hard since God alone knows how long. Dt wuz one crazy date… I cnt even fink ov a sensible comment. I’m just havin a gud laff

  13. Bwahahahaha.the babe actually made u drop ur phone as collateral? that’s gangsturr mehn. Crazy funny stuff kelvin.

  14. The ‘It is finished’ line totally cracked me up…. As for akward/weird dates, I once went on a first date with a dude I was just getting to know.first I got there a little late and he decided to eat before I got there. I met him at the fast food place and we chatted for a while…..dude didn’t order water or something for me. I thought ‘ok cool I was late and the movie is in 30 mins so I’ll just overlook it’ but after the movie the dude goes,
    ‘Next time let’s make it my place’
    I go ‘not comfortable with that sorry’
    His reply? “Its just that it’s so expensive to do this everytime it would be cheaper to do this at home…” I had paid my cab fare there and half the fare back……dude doesn’t understand why I stopped talking to him.

  15. I could relate to “item no 26 for the lady and emm..a bottle of your coldest mineral for me thanks”. Been there before and I can tell you, the feeling isn’t one to be proud of.

    Hilarious post btw.

  16. Nice funny….witty…cool

    One awkward moment…lol ds was funny tho…went out wv a girlfriend n ds couple in frnt of us we’re havn chicken
    She tried using d knife n fork..didn’t work, she washed her hands grabbed d chicken n in d process of cutting it…one part flew past my table
    Tha hell….everyone bursted out laffn…but cool thn she laffed n got a replacement!

  17. And Kevin has done it again….. The ‘2 boxes of Indomie and some spaghetti’ really got me…….on a more serious note sha,I really don’t believe there is something like a perfect first date,it’s like there is a spiritual entity that just always make things go wrong,nd our man here,Kevin,just got the full brunt of it…Nice Post keV

  18. Am literarily rolling on d floor…lol
    One time I went out wif did dude nd his car stopped,had 2 get some1 2 push it off the expressway,called d mechanic 2 fix it (dis took like 2hours)…after sweating nd panting,dude thot 2 compensate me by offering a whole chicken @ chicken republic.(Dumb move).he apologised evryday 4 a week tho…nd we r still gud freinds..

  19. Kevin! This is (y) as usual.. How did Indomie and Spaghetti give off moimoi and egg smell tho..? Lmsao..

    My friend’s brother in school once asked a girl on a date..it was to be in a fastfood place.. My guy had only 3k on him.. When he asked the babe what she wanted she said ‘a whole chicken’.. Dude was thinking ‘Dayuum’..it cost 2500..when the ‘fest’ arrived, she tucked in and drew the bucket to herself…..my guy saw that it was ‘RED’ and pulled the bucket across the table and attacked the chicken with a vengeance.. That date turned out to be an eating competition.. The two ‘beef’ each other till date… Bwahaha

  20. ROTLM(NE)AO!!!! Kelvin,only Ʊ wld make ♏ƺ laff dis hard with total disregard for office etiquette!!! Hilarious stuff!!! Babes wicked sha… Ʊ spend all his cash n drop Hiroshima bombs as reward? Wicked!
    Erhm..NE up thr stands for “Non-Existent” 😀

    • I just tire for Halima o! talk of dropping a bomb!
      Glad you enjoyed…emmm…are you sure your kini is non-existent?

  21. Meeehn! Kelvin is something else. I’ve been laughing since. The indomie-spaghetti calculation reminded me a lot of Terry Crews on Everybody Hates Chris.

    Wow Kelv. Wow!

    Since we are not to share experiences, I’ll leave that till next time. Nice work Bule.

    • haha! you know our minds do those calculations at break neck speed on the regular…
      Thanks for checking in bruv..

  22. If there was a ‘love’ button, I’d have clicked it. This for me is the perfect date man! Cos it was void of all the sereren…plus, the fact that you made fun of it afterwards and went on being together justifies the essence for me. I mean, she farted on the first date… That’s love right thurr man!! For ME, this is the best post in the series so far cos I can relate even tho’ not directly, it is very ‘omo-boyish’. Thanks Bule-jr for having him on here, the whole thing was getting too serious.

  23. Kelvin!
    Your mother is calling you!

    Stage is clear?

    Ahem!!!
    Seems everybody forgot this part? But as a sharp guy, most of my awkward moments revolve around playing kissing catcher… You know? Score? No score? Be a man? Be a gentleman?

    Attempt. Dodge. Re-attempt. Lago!

    Oh Fuck it! Just ask!!

    “I want to kiss you”

    “We don’t wanna go too fast darling…”

    #LastCarriersShrug

  24. I can’t stop laffing mehn!! LWKM!!…………

    I can so relate to this, as a guy this happens on a regular mehn ……. But for real tho, guys go spend their last card and they will still be relegated to the friend zone, ladies dis is not nice ……

    But well “What can we say to this things” — This post actually lightened up this series Selah 😀

    Thumbs up “Baba Blue” and Kelvin

  25. LOL. Really nice article especially the “My child is here, please respect yourselves” interlude. Let’s see what’s in store for tomorrow then.

  26. #teamlastcarriers 2 kari last z accepted bt not commenting on dis post? No way. Just wen I thot kevin cant outdo himself smh*saying dis post z funny z stating d obvious so ke_vin #withanL dis post isnt funny. LWFM

  27. Dis is ѕσ hilarious… Buh on d other hand, a babe who’s so bent on me leavin’ ma bb cos I wanna go to an atm machine, definitely deserves to b taught a lil lesson… Cos she de claim say she wise…

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