The Case Of The Ex


“See that stupid girl over there!!”, shouted Nina, startling everyone out of their sleepy state.

We all looked up shocked and asked in unison “what happened?” as we all leaned forward on our lounge chairs in the balcony that overlooked the road to get a better view of this “stupid girl”.

I looked at Nina’s face & then I heard a loud voice next to my ear saying “That’s Becky & Kevin!” Uh oh…there was a sudden chill on the balcony…He who was not to be named, in other words, KEVIN, was NINA’S EX!

Nina laid back, looking perplexed and then we all started to mumble and mutter about “that Becky bitch”…”such a fake friend”…”stupid hoe”…we could not believe that Becky, Nina’s own best friend had gone after Kevin, after Nina & Kevin broke up.

“Is that right?” asked lina “I would never do that” said Claire, which brings US to the purpose of this blog post.

IS IT RIGHT TO DATE AN EX.?
*************************

YES YES YES, It is not only right but it’s perfectly legal to date to an ex but there are certain points you need to take into consideration first.

I am not trying to preach to anyone but this major question should be analyzed before proceeding: are you trying to keep your friend in the process whilst making such decisions?

We have all had friends with failed relationships and we should respect that but sometimes we all know that some ex’s are too tasty (good looking) to resist.

Bearing that in mind, we also have to admit or sympathize that some girls are possessive or extra protective relating to the duration/intensity/history of the relationship, this is where wisdom and maturity come in.

Another thing you need to ask yourself is, how important is your friendship with the person? Is the friendship worth fighting for?

Now let’s assume you have two brain cells and you have rubbed them together and you have already assessed the situation, this is your good friend, your ride or die…then under no circumstances should you go after you girl’s ex, especially when you know how into each other they were!

What has happened to the ‘Girl Code’ Ladies? It’s rather non-existent these days!

When you find yourself in this type of ‘I-like-my-friend’s-ex situation..The best thing to do is to speak to them about it. And don’t just listen to the words they say, watch their body language. They might say yeah they are okay with your liking and even dating their ex meanwhile what they really mean is, you bitch! How can you even fancy my ex? Did you fancy him all along?…one needs to tread carefully in these sort of situations.

These can be very delicate issues, especially when your mate and their ex shared deep moments (Good or bad) with each other. For example your friend’s relationship with the ex might have ended badly. Then one day you ask your friend if is okay to date the person that caused them a lot of grief. That might hurt your friend or make her even wonder if you and the ex were having something whilst they were together.

The other thing you want to look at is to make sure that the ex has no hidden agendas concerning your friend. You want to pay close attention because he might just be using you to get close to your friend again. There’s nothing like a little jealously up close to make an ex think they made the wrong decision when you broke up. People use this tactic all the time.

Also look at yourself and ask what is your motivation for you wanting to date your friend’s ex. It is considered being a bit unusual to want to date your friends ex lover. Did you and the ex just click in conversation and you have a lot in common? Or maybe it was a harmless meeting and you and the ex just thought you like to get to know each other better. Or are you the reason your friend is no longer with their ex in the first place? Remember what is done in the dark comes to light. Examine your motives and be honest with yourself before you even think about doing anything else. Only go after it if you are very sure it has a fighting chance, if not you will end up on the erring of not only that your friend but all other mutual friends and parties in the know.

In the end if you are going to make a decision, yay or nay to go forth with dating your friend’s ex, Just weigh the pros and cons and make the best decision. And ask yourself if its worth it. Sometimes we have chemistry with people and it just feels right but that is not the only criteria needed to be ticked.

Finding the right person takes a delicate touch and a lot more composure and understanding.

‘Ex’ does mean that they are no longer together and truthfully you can date whomever you want.

Even with the objections of your friend at times you might want to ignore that and just go ahead with it because you feel something very strong for that person but it makes things so much better and comfortable if you discuss it with your friend and the ex so you can move along in peace. It makes it so much better if everyone can get along.

You’ll never know if one day this relationship will become more that it is today.

Or if you and your friend’s ex attend one of those parties or functions and see your friend there. The entire situation will be a little awkward and will take a lot of maturity to avoid a situation developing whether the other party still has feelings for the ex or not.

On the other end of the spectrum. Others feel as though engaging in any sort of dialogue with an ex beyond a swift “hello”, “How have you been?” & “Goodbye” is grounds for suspicion & possible termination should it go any further. Ultimately, if the relationship didn’t last & its understood by both parties, then there’s no real issue.

Or is it a matter of tolerance & personal preference or a blatant violation of friendly codes of ethnics?

**************************************************************************

We have grown up in a country where religious and cultural practices take precedence and this kind of issue will probably be looked at entirely differently, right?

That will definitely open up another can of beans so we’ll keep that aside and just discuss the logical and moral angles to this story.

It was written by my good friend Gbemi (@MsWilliams_) and I really would have liked to write a guy’s response to this but it won’t have been much different, as for me the same rules apply with our ‘Bro Code’ and what not.

But let’s discuss a few things:
1. When is it right to date a friends ex?
2.When are ex’s off limits?
3. Does the opinion of your friends matter in situations like these.

If you begin to develop feelings for your friend’s ex,WILL YOU DATE THE PERSON?

You know the drill, speak your mind using the comment box.

Cheers.

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30 responses to “The Case Of The Ex

  1. 😦 it depends on the sort of relationship you have with your friend. If the friend is a very close friend I think its a no no no. And yes the opinion of your friend does matter.

  2. NO!!!!! I can’t do that to my friend. I’ll run far away like a mad geh…
    Anybody dating my friend (I mean close friend) is automatically my bf too
    But then never say never yeah…I’ll leave 2% chance of incase.

  3. Yay!! new post :’)
    okay so I’ll rather not date my friend’s ex cos it’s jst too much wahala plus i dnt want to be getting a friend’s sloppy seconds.. & even if she says she’s cool with it, there’s still going to be some awkwardness when three of us are together..

  4. My thots, we all gotta b happy somehow. Ex or no Ex, Y’all aint 2geda no more so ur loves lives aint each others concern. Its not its biblical to stay away from a friends ex

  5. Tehehe. Please, if any of my exes’ friends has anything for me, they should let me know. Under G is not overrated.

    I await the DMs. 🙂

  6. I’m with Kitkat on this. There’s bound to be awkwardness. And when you say “friend”I’m sure you don’t mean “acquintance”. It can date my friend’s Ex. Its Very possible. But I’ll rather run from such a situation.

  7. You could ask ur friend about it before proceeding but sometyms body language can be misinterpreted. If its worth lossing ur friend for u can.

  8. I don’t think I can… And until very recently I saw it as a taboo…
    If its complicated n they’re both tryna sort things out n ur “friend” suddenly decides she’ll be the one to help him move on, lol! I kinda think she should be slayed.
    But if its not a complicated issue, and its js one of those “quickie” relationships… Then there’s no issue there.
    Timing is essential too.
    The truth is, some people don’t want their ex’s to move on just cuz the realization that they can de pain. And if for instance, the chic is still alone, I think the worry stems from fear that he’ll find that permanence and she’ll look like a loser… So last last, its just juvie selfishness.

  9. It rocks to be a guy. Male friendships can always survive despite the awkwardness of dating an ex. ‘Broes over hoes’, it’s not just some fancy mantra.

    Except the guy isn’t mature, you can always date his ex, he might not approve at first but your friendship won’t suffer as it concerns things that count.

    But again, the guy’s gotta be mature.

  10. well i wouldn’t do it, i have a thing against drama. But i think time is essential when both have clearly moved on it wont be that much a big deal.

    I don’t think there can be three of you as one big happy family though, it will be awkward for the most part.

  11. When its right to date ur friend’s ex is totally dependent on ur friend, he/she might be the person that moves on quickly or vice versa.

    I dont see anything wrong in dating someone’s ex if only it would lead to marriage cos if it doesnt she might as well be named “Animashaun” , nobody will say she dated 2 friends at different intervals, people will say she slept with 2 friends hence the term animashaun…shikena

  12. Hmmmm…. well it’s a tough one but I feel you should as much as possible stay away from your friend’s ex’s; and not ‘cos of the whole sloppy seconds thing ‘cos if you think of it like that we’re all someone’s sloppy second, but because if someone is really your friend, there’s no way your friendship would survive it; unless of course, they didn’t really care about the guy/girl they were with.
    I think as much as possible it should be avoided, and yes, we rarely have a say in who we end up liking, but then, we have a say in doing something about it.

  13. date a friend’s ex…unless she’s moved on very well n he is not d last ex..ok…my friend dating my ex…dnt ve a pb wv it…instead wud gv her details to help her enjoy d rel…bt realy i cant date my friends ex…i just kent!

  14. @Kelvin’s comment…..Oh wow!

    In my own opinion,dating a friend’s ex is a no-no! Friend here meaning someone I’m close to,that knows a great deal about me & vice versa,who I can count on & has my back and vice versa. I can’t date that friend’s ex. No matter how hot or gorgeous he is or how we connect or blah and blah and blah…I just can’t! The thing is that with this type of friend,I would’ve been in on almost every thing in their relationship.Their ups,downs and all.I might have settled fights,defended him,given him apology strategies or just have been his quiet voltron because I’m supposed to do that for my friend and then I turn around after they’re done and say I feel something for him…whatever it is,it can disappear.

    On the other hand,if its a friend of a friend of a friend,someone I’m just on a “hi” or “hello” thing with,someone that I’ve spoken to or had a laugh with because we were in the same place together or someone that I just merely call my friend but there’s no true weight to it,I don’t think I’d stall on what can be a great relationship for me because what happened between them happened & is their business & almost has nothing to do with me.

    But as for a real friend,such as my best friend….nah! Idc if it was for two weeks,one month or if she was playing him…you just don’t do sh*t like that…

  15. Truth is … there are no absolutes. So to avoid being redundant (and blowing too much grammar) its a matter of weighing the options. No1 is truly cool with a friend dating their ex (@ 1st @ least). Because no relationship ends with total closure (even in death), there’s always gonna be ill will stirred in d beginning. Maturity is what helps us look past the questions and anger and accept things for what they are (every1s looking to be happy). So if a new romantic interest is worth more than an old (the preferred kind of) friend, your choice … else it’ll do you good to run and hide with all the emotions. And with th@ said … weyo!

  16. Your posts always take a subtle ‘strong’ position on the issue you’re asking to be discussed. Sometimes,it pays to sit on the fence and let readers form their own opinions. Just saying…..

    As per dating a friend’s EX?
    We all know that there are no hard and fast rules,so everybody please note you are speaking for yourself….

    The fact that a relationship didn’t workout for A & B doesn’t mean that A & C won’t have a blissful relationship.

    As we grow older,we realize that some things are not as important as we thought they were and some previously unimportant things are actually more important than we thought.

  17. Personally i would never date a friends ex, i.e all things being equal(which is never the case)Life has taught me not to be a judge because you never know what drives people and the choices they make. It MIGHT be ok to date a friend’s ex if the friend is currently married, crazily in love with another or never had feelings for the ex.
    However, Ex’s are off limits if its your BFF, or if you know your friend still has the hots for the ex. And yes your friend’s opinion matters a lot. You dont want to lose a good friendship for a relationship that might end up not lasting.

  18. Like you said, there are so many things to consider because as much as we would all like to say NO NO! I wouldn’t do such, the truth is its not always so black/white..
    Ideally no you probably shouldn’t date your friends ex especially if you value their relationship with you and no matter how cool they say they are with it, na lie it is all a facade. No one is ever happy with seeing their ex, someone they’ve had feelings for at a point in time with someone else whether it is a stranger or not.
    But on the other side of the coin, if you’re the type that believes in soul mates and stuff, what if this person who happens to be your friends ex is your ‘the one’? So you’d risk your own eternal happiness for friendship?

    Another thing about this issue is that sometimes people make bad judgements at first meetings, what i mean by this is that I have seen cases where a guy meets a group of female friends for the first time and we all know that there is always that one friend that is the most outspoken one, the one every one notices first etc.. So this guy naturally notices her and let’s say they start a relationship and it breaks down later on due to the fact that he realises that he jumped too fast, and then he’s like hmm maybe i should have chosen that girl that was quiet, stayed in the cut and didn’t say much! Now at this point he starts making moves to the ‘quiet’ girl and let’s just say she likes him back, considering the fact that he is her friends ex, would it be so wrong if she dated him?

    Sorry my comment is soo long

  19. dating ur friend’s ex..is a sooo no no…4 me..i call it BITCHYNESS*…funny enough had dis discussion wiv a friend yesterday… There’s never d right time to date ur friend’s ex*..its so not right in any way.one…most def dier most still be a lil feeling btw dem…and buh wait u sef how wud u feel comfortable hanging out wiv ur friend and her ex wiv her ex as ur bf..haba mana…datz so lame…yah u so right bou confronting dem..buh in d first place never try to develop a crush into a feeling..ai min 4 ur friend’s ex…when u c itz bou happening..try so had to stop it..not talkin to him..avoid him and more…d boy should be a mumu to even ask u out sef..mtsheww…Most times his tryin to use u to get to her..or even make her jealous…. most times it is not genuine…most especially when it was d girl who did d whole breakup tingy. For guyz its soooooo diff..dierz a big line…most times dey dont give a fuck!!…Mehn any friend who does dah..hmm..no comment..buh ur consience shud say so!!…

  20. my first boyfriend was a friend’s ex.

    dude was heartbroken, came to cry on my shoulders, we became close friends and eventually dated for about 4 years. I had no issues with said friend(obviously).

    dated an ex’es friend even, the ex was hurt and all but it didn’t affect their friendship and we eventually got past it.

    obviously, I don’t play by anybody’s rules, if I like you, it’s mutual, that’s all that matters(your real friends won’t leave you over a man or woman. eos.)

    I wanna echo LH’s comment…though I’ve said it before. If you are gonna tell us your opinion on a matter, that’s just fine. But don’t ask for a deliberation when it’s pretty obvious what side of the rock you are sat on.

  21. This is a matter I’ve always pondered on, in my opinion the world is a small place especially in this our social networking generation where everybody knows everybody somehow, as long as they were not married then d girl doesn’t own d guy and vice versa, I can date him if I really like him and he likes me too. So if he is God’s plan for me will I now reject cos he dated my friend?

    I guess in the end in depends on the reason why u want to date d person and why d person wants to date u. As far as there are no alterior motives to hurt the friend den I think its allowed

  22. I think dis myt be easier btw guys dn girls, bt I’l date my frnd’s ex if their relatnshp wasn’t too serious;but if it was love and all dt, I’l back off.

  23. There are no rules. All your story about talking to the ex is rubbish. Some people are extremely possessive, will u deny ur happiness for their sense of pettiness?

    The question is never ‘can you’, ‘should you’ or ‘is it off limits’.
    The only question to be considered is: ‘is it worth taking the risk?’

    Most of the time, the answer is YES. Most girls are just too scared of being called names to take a chance at happiness.

    Btw, I think most of the commenters have very little relationship experience.

    Kelvins comment says it all. It happens. That’s the reality.

  24. I agree with Lagoshunter on this. Your post suggests that the writer has already taken a stand on the issue so why bother ask your readers about their own opinion?
    On the other hand, I think that dating the ex of your friend is dependent on your relationship with that friend. If they both dig each other, one should learn to let go. All these sisterhood code and bro code was prolly coined by a burnt ex.

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