Love, ever so complicated and stressful as it is, we still indulge in its pleasures and pain.
Most relationship magazines these days, more like almost every magazine these days, try to give us tips on how best to make our relationship work. They tell us ‘The five things men want to hear’ or ‘The ten things women can’t stand’ or is it on how to improve your sex life? Or How to be a good kisser? Or maybe for the desperate ones, How to find and keep Mr. Right? Even with all of these advices most relationships still fail.
I am not one to boast of being in many relationships (I’ve been in two, for the curious ones) but I think with the little experience I have got I can give a few tips on relationships. I am not an expert but this is based on my own observation.
A major problem in most relationships- and it cannot be anymore emphasized, is POOR COMMUNICATION. Not being able to tell your partner what you want, need, desire or what worries you or excites you or how you feel at any particular moment and the major culprits are WOMEN. I know there are some feminists out there that would be going like, ‘Men do it too much too’ or ‘Men that are always trying to form Don Boze, they are worse’ I say to those women ‘Darling, Sit yo ass down’.
I am not a feminist and I certainly don’t support men at all times but come on, girls you and I know the truth. Think I’m lying or over exaggerating? Here are some instances-
I am walking with a guy friend of mine and we reach the front of our hostel. There are seats outside and the moon is shining brightly, cool breeze (You know all that perfect moment ish)
He-I feel like going to bed
Me-Why don’t you seat with me for a bit? I’m too tired to climb the stairs now.
He– It is too cold outside
Me– I’ll keep you warm
He– When I have a duvet in my room
Me– *Sigh* can’t you see I’m just trying to spend some more time with you?
He– If you wanted to why don’t you just say so.
(Ladies, Men aren’t quite good at sensing such messages)
Not good enough an example for you? Okay.
I have a close friend and sometimes I piss her off without even knowing when I do it. Now, whenever I do such, and most times I am not conscious of these mistakes, she starts snubbing me. She gives me straight one word answers and obviously, one word answer means something is wrong. So I proceed to ask what I did wrong and she replies with ‘You know what you did. I am not telling you’ That gets me pissed and it is by some spiritual force of gravity that I resist punching the words out her mouth, Boyfriends can attest to this.
Still not good enough? Ok.
He– Baby, What’s wrong?
*She ignores you and continues peeling Ugwu leaves*
He– Adanne, What’s wrong with you?
She– *still peeling Ugwu leaves* Nothing.
He– Are you sure?
She– Yes. *Walks out of kitchen*
He then starts tracing his steps from the last moment he made you happy.
The famous line ‘YOU JUST DON’T GET IT’
First, what is ‘it’ you might ask?
When you go out with your girl and you get back home hoping that since you’ve been a good boy, you’ll get a little something-something and then she starts with the straight face and one word answer. As usual, One word answer signals something is wrong so you go ahead to inquire what the problem is and what do you get ‘YOU JUST DON’T GET IT, DO YOU?’
You decide to be the caring boyfriend and ask ‘What is it?’
She replies with the usual ‘Arrgh! Men! You guys are so annoying. You never get it’
Funny story, it seems that only women know what ‘it’ is. E.g.
Monica- Having problems with the man again?
Amaka- Yes. He doesn’t get it
Monica- I know how you feel girl. Even Femi doesn’t get it too.
Amaka- Men. In fact, I’m just going to go gay.
Notice the problem with communication I’m talking about.
Can’t you just tell a nigga what you want or what the problem is? Why does figuring you out have to be Rocket science? And you wonder why he doesn’t understand you?
How would he when you don’t talk to him but prefer discussing his ‘It-getting nature’ with Njideka and Caro?
Guys, I know you are waving your hand in the air but hold up some part of it is your fault.
Some women find it difficult to express themselves because they do not want to be so vulnerable and weak.
Another is because of the fear that they would not be taken seriously or understood. The fear of embarrassment and being rejected.
We understand that you are not big on feelings but do realize that you have a woman by your side. In the words of famous and renowned lead singer of Maroon 5, Adam Levine,
“It’s compromise that moves us along, yeah”.
Try to walk in the shoes of your woman and think with your emotions like she would. It doesn’t mean you’re gay, It just means that you care. Be patient. Listen and try to understand her feelings. Maybe then she wouldn’t have to meet her friends for consolation.
Girls, Men not good at figuring out what they’ve done wrong. (Trust me. I have brothers.) They don’t pick up quickly on the little mistakes that they make.
Tell them. It wouldn’t kill you or take away half of your head or reduce your bride price value. Talk to him quietly. You don’t have to yell. Yelling doesn’t always work (My brothers taught me this) Sit down and figure the problem out. Tell him where it hurts the most so that if there’s a problem, your man can confidently say that I trust my girl, Apollonia, she would definitely tell me. (This works bests when those friends of yours come to feed him lies)
It is a relationship not a competition on who is the strongest or weakest.
The communication builds the trust. The trust holds the relationship together.
(Now Playing Maroon 5- She will be loved).
This piece was written by my friend amanda (@andhiii).
Relationships are not like math equations where one general law can bring solutions. What has been shared above as she rightly said is just her own take on a very ‘touchy’ issue which may or may not apply to everyone.
What I’m asking is for your own views on bridging communication gaps and why are men very slow to pick up hints however subtle from ladies?
Do share your opinions with us.