The Order Of Things

Under the meager amber light, in the privacy of fogged windows, the slightly custardy smell of David’s ejaculation fills the car. In a few minutes, he would clean up most the evidence of his ‘pleasurement’ from his uncle’s vehicle but Laide would forget an earring.

The following morning, Laide’s forgotten earring would be the cause of another argument between Mr. and Mrs. David’s uncle, all the way from their big home in the old-money section of the Magodo residential area to the Third Mainland Bridge where the missus would demand to be let out as soon as she discovers a shiny piece of condom wrapper. The letters ‘G’, ‘O’, ‘L’ and half a ‘D’ are usually not so upsetting – they are however printed on a maroon background in the same colour as the height of David’s excitement.

David’s uncle wouldn’t have been excited about David using his new Mercedes S550 for intimate purposes but the smile on Laide’s face when a classy car had picked her up and parked at the dark end of a quiet street would have melted his old heart. With only a little seduction, as prescribed by David’s friends, Laide’s purple panties had obeyed gravity.

Laide had asked David to turn on the air conditioner but David had immediately claimed that he liked things hot and steamy. Actually, he had been as uncomfortable as Laide but he was conserving some fuel for the drive back home. He had spent the last Thousand Naira in his wallet buying canned percentages at a supermarket down the road from where he picked the girl and he would have had an extra Five Hundred Naira if she had not wanted Fox biscuits. There was just enough gas in the car to get him home without alerting the gas-level warning lights and his uncle’s car, as his uncle always boasted had never had reason to complain about insufficient petrol. It would have been unwise to leave evidence of his indiscretion in so obvious a manner.

It had been somewhat tricky too, the sex, partly because it was David’s first time and because sedan manufacturers apparently do not make allowances for such adventures in their schematics. Laide, as a result, had endured several head bumps to the rhythm of Ice Prince’s not so intelligent music that was coming from the disc player. She had also braved leather seat burns, and general postural discomfort but thankfully, it had been over in four minutes, thirty three seconds. She had confirmed this from the dashboard – David had started grunting on her at exactly sixteen minutes past six and the car had stopped heaving at exactly twenty minutes past six. He’d wiped the retarded look off his face and stopped his “aaaaaaaah” in thirty three seconds –  the clock had showed thirty-four in green immediately he’d stopped spraying the smell of cheap beer in her face.

The most important thing is that about two hours later, when Laide gets back to her cramped room in Unilag, she would have the singular pleasure of telling Vanessa, Seun, Fatima and some random girl that came into the room with Fatima that she has just been fucked in her boyfriend’s S-Class, somehow forgetting that David has never asked her to be his girlfriend and he has never expressly claimed ownership of the car.

On getting home, David would give a status report to Femi and Tolu, his friends, via SMS. Femi wouldn’t reply because he doesn’t think much of the occurrence but Tolu would send his congratulations and also contact Femi. They would discuss David’s recent luck and share a joke about Laide, the plain girl they had encouraged David to talk at some boring party the previous week. They would more so, find wickedly hilarious David’s choice of music. They would then make plans to attend a very lecherous event in the weekend to come, one David’s pocket or personality cannot afford. They don’t even think to invite David. They would shout Magikshun at the same time and burst into laughter again before hanging up. Magician is a peculiar song by Ice Prince, David’s ballad of choice.

Femi would  send a text message almost immediately after the conversation, bragging very casually that he would be attending the event with Vicky, and Tolu, not to be outdone, would let Femi know that he has made plans with Vicky’s less beautiful but still attractive friend, Ginika. Tolu would remember how at the party where he had found Laide for David, he had also found Vicky for himself, but Femi had usurped him. Tolu had, as a result switched over to Ginika and they’d gone back to his place that night. After all their years as friends, he still wasn’t ready to get used to the idea that whenever his taller, richer, better looking friend was around, he was destined to get the second best girl. Femi would control everything wherever they went, from the labels they drank to the time they went home even if he wasn’t financially responsible. If Femi was having a bad night, nobody could have a good one and if he was enjoying himself, he didn’t care about them. Tolu didn’t mind though because Femi, who loved being the center of attraction, was also always the entertainment and even though he charmed all the girls, he couldn’t take them all home. The second best girl would settle for the second best guy as well.

David’s uncle investigations would eventually lead to David.

Femi, without consulting Tolu, would invite David for the party the following week when he realizes that the Mercedes would be much better transport than his Chrysler car which is undergoing repairs and might not be ready in time. Unfortunately, David’s uncle is not as careless with his car keys as he once was but Femi cannot withdraw the invitation. The trio, with their dates would attend the party in Tolu’s uninspiring Toyota. Femi would drive and Tolu would be co-pilot. David would uncomfortably sit in the middle of three almost naked girls.

And they would all have a good time until Vicky leaves Femi when she  discovers two pretty friends in the entourage of a local celebrity. Femi would try to displace Tolu but Ginika and is very content with her just tall enough, just rich enough, just handsome enough man.

In thirty minutes, Femi would be dancing with Laide and David would be left to the awkward task of pretending to have fun all by himself.


18 responses to “The Order Of Things

  1. I was grinning so wide.. I love the intertwining..the simple complexities of the idea of ‘fun’… Nigerian ‘dating’…

    Had B written all over it..


  2. Very few people will actually see the underlying relationships between the characters. The traces of egotism, power and respect (or lack of them). This is my favorite piece so far.

  3. “canned percentages” lol… i can just hear you saying this.

    Beautifully written by the artiste formerly known as the banxman. Loved as you buried the major message in the midst of seemingly simple narration.


  4. “…Obedience to gravity…”, “..Ice Prince’s not so intelligent music..” LOL

    Nice piece banx, trademark twists as usual (y)

  5. I was fnkn to myself- nice writing style, I wee thif it…
    But at d 2nd to d last paragraph I saw d writer…and m not surprised…
    Loffly stowie. 🙂

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