Friends, Family & Relationships

There’s a popular saying, “when you marry a person, u marry their whole family”.

Yea I know a lot of you might be thinking….“hold your horses…no one said anything about marriage”…but as long as the phrase serves the purpose, cut me some slack.

Whether we like it or not, the reality is that relationships aren’t complete without the (sometimes) unsolicited interference from friends and family. Come on, you know what I mean, those little irksome statements that elicit a lot of eye rolling on our parts.

I remember one time I had this *whoosh fans self at the memory* hot Ibo potential boyfriend and one of my friends couldn’t just stop making comments like “but he’s not Yoruba…”, “there’s no future”, “don’t waste your time”…I mean, honey chill, we are not even official yet, why are you busy planning our divorce?!!! Few months later the question changed to “Does he have a brother?” *shaking head* FRIENDS!!!

Oh don’t get me wrong they aren’t all that bad. Who else do you chat away with when you want to “form important/busy/uninterested” on a first date (you girls know what I’m talking about *wink*). The other day I called up one of my best friends Bukky* whilst she was on a date. After all the necessary info had been passed…I noticed home girl was trying to drag on the conversation. The phone call went something like this.

Me: … OK love I’ll talk to you later.

Bukky: Err wait…which reminds me, have you checked that stuff?

Confused Me: What stuff?

Bukky: That stuff now can’t you remember?

Me: Huhn? Babe speak english my credit is burning jo.

Bukky: (breaks into a giggle) you’re not even serious.

(Thinking to myself “what’s funny?”)

Me: Are u ok?

And then just like magic…TING!!! (Light bulb moment)

Me: You’re out with Kunle* ba?

Bukky: Yes

Before I knew it, she had successfully kept me on the phone for 5mins saying little nothings. The things we do for friends!

And what about those times we (don’t) need advice? Where do friends come in, you may ask? I’ll relate an experience that happened to me a while back.

Scenario:

My boyfriend and I had had a little misunderstanding which resulted in him hanging up the phone on me. In a moment of anger, I told two of my “close friends” here’s what they each had to say.

Friend #1:

Me to Shade*: Can you believe Tunde* hung up on me?

Shade: What? What rubbish? That’s so rude. You can’t be allowing such nonsense o. You need to give him a piece of your mind. That’s how Osa* tried it with me I didn’t pick up his calls for 3weeks. Trust me he never tried it again.

(I later found out that Osa* stopped calling her after 3weeks and never did call again, but naturally she didn’t mention that part.)

Friend #2:

Me to Stella*: Can you believe Tunde* hung up on me?

Stella: Why? What did you do or say to warrant that?

Me: Why does it have to be me at fault?

Stella: Because Tunde* seems like a sensible person. He wouldn’t just hang up on you for no reason.

Me: Who’s side are you on self?

Stella: (laughs) Calm down. Do u want to tell me what happened from the scratch?

There…that’s how a good friend should respond in such a situation.

However, there are situations when we need firm friends to “lend us their pair of glasses” when we are too blinded by love to see that we are being taken for a jolly ride. That one friend that will look you in the eyes and say “Babe..snap out of it!”

And family? Where’s the place of family in relationships you might ask. After all the saying did go “…you marry the family too”.

In my personal experience in the first few months my father’s own is to be formally introduced to the young man that has been frequenting his house in search of his daughter. Of course he knows we are in a relationship but still chooses to refer to homeboy as “your friend” Heaven forbids that he admits his little girl is having boyfriends at 22.

Now my mother…wants to know “where’s he from”. When I reply, “Oyo state”. The next question is “what part of Oyo state?”. After replying her with “Ogbomoso”…she proceeds to tell me all the stereotypes she knows about Ogbomoso people and their traits citing examples to buttress her point of course. But it goes beyond that. Most mothers, mine inclusive, are more involved in their children’s’ relationships. They want to know the family background. They want to hear the “gist of a first date”. They pray for you and give you advice, solicited or unsolicited, and if the relationship crashes and burns, they are there to clean up the pieces and rock you back to decorum.

On the flipside, I’ve often heard of situations where parents bring about untimely deaths to relationships. We’ve heard of the “hot water pouring” types and the extremely tribalistic ones (although if you ask me, the average Nigerian parent is tribalistic to a large extent). We’re probably also familiar with the “possesive/jealous/controlling mothers” and the “iya oko bournvita (I don’t know how to translate this one to English) types”. They are all out there.

Siblings? Truth is the earlier your siblings like your partner, the better for him or her. They hold a degree of influence in relationships. They say things as they see it, sometimes more bluntly than preferred. You’d often hear comments like “He looks unserious” or “she’s just there” if they don’t like your partner. But when they do? The glowing comments can’t roll in fast enough. (My brodas and sistehs don’t be caught dulling. You want his or her siblings to like you? Bribe them! Nothing over the top, just thoughtful gestures once in a while. Trust me, it works…TML)

At the end of the day, family and friends however important they are, are not the actual participants in the relationship and should not hold the reigns in our relationships. Yes, we should be open to their inputs because most times they are done with our best interest at heart, but at the end of the day, it’s YOUR relationship and YOUR responsibility.

Do you have comments or experiences you wanna share or opinions of your own? Go right ahead.

xoxo…  @_Ayaba.

Say No To Cheating

#teamfaithful

The Concept Behind Cheating.

Welcome once again to the Ugly Truth, sorry I haven’t really been writing here lately. I have been preparing to appear on some blogs ( yes the love doctor is now in popular demand) hence my absence.

Also I have been working hard on the ‘Date Days’ series, look at the picture below. :D

I have squeezed a little time out to write on a topic that has been appearing in so many conversations, tweets, blogs e.t.c. Yes it’s the almighty ‘CHEATING’.

I am not talking about dubbing in exams and other stuff like that(go to jamb/waec website for that one), but that thing that happens when a guy/girl decides to go and eat out of another cherry that doesn’t belong to them.

I have had conversations with different people over the last two weeks about this and they made it sound like it was cool and that there was nothing wrong with it.

Before y’all attack me, I know it’s the 21st century and I should get on with it right? I say hold up and hear me out.

We are all Christians or Muslims right? I know the Bible very well and I know it frowns strongly against fornication and Adultery. I am not a 100% sure about it but I’m supremely confident the Quran does say so too right? Someone tell me I am right.

Except I missed the memo, these rules haven’t changed one bit so why are we all saying/acting otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong, I am no saint and have made a few mistakes in this short life I have had.

But i will NEVER go out to brag to people that I was having “extra-marital” affairs or anything like that because believe me i will feel ashamed. You might think you are cool when doing this but in hindsight you will realise you are the fool.

What’s there to brag about not being able to remain truthful to someone you are in a relationship with and openly profess your love for?

But people(especially we guys) go about doing this and expect our spouses to be faithful to us as well? Oh no no!!! Life doesn’t work that way.

They say Karma is a female dog abi? Oh well…..

Let this not be you.

Mind you cheating for me doesn’t start when there is physical contact between the two said people. I believe there is something called emotional cheating.

In simple terms, your body is in a relationship but your mind is no longer there but for reasons unknown you refuse to just bone the relationship or get serious. Sounds Familiar? Guessed so

The minute you start to get irritated with your better half and you don’t see a reason to bridge the gap quickly and just go and sulk about the place, you are bound to find someone else’s arm to fall into.

This can lead anywhere and I mean anywhere.

If you really like a person and decide to go into an “exclusive” relationship with them I feel you owe it to them to be faithful and be of your best behaviour.

Why start looking for something on the side or put yourself in a situation where you know you will be tempted to get something from someone outside?

Surely the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Or is it?

I also think it is rather hurtful to both yourself and your other half to be cheating on them. Its rather MEAN if you ask me.

Don’t do it because all your friends are doing it and encouraging you to do as well.

Don’t be fooled because it’s a societal Norm. IT IS WRONG.

The minute I decided that I was going to remain a faithful husband/boyfriend sometime in 2007, I became a better person for it.
It gives me a very satisfying feeling to remain true and faithful to anyone I am with at any point in time.

Yes I have been called names and dissed but frankly “I DON’T CARE”.

I know many will say “I have tried” or “it is hard” but don’t give up.

It’s the end times and trust me to Err is human so do not despair and beat yourself down, and also don’t just accept it and do nothing about it, you can still change your ways whether you are Married or Unmarried.

I think our generation owes it to our unborn kids to give them a better legacy than this rubbish one we have inherited from our own parents and fine-tuned to please our needs and nature.

If i can change i am very sure you can too. Yes you.

No matter how tempted you are, JUST SAY NO.

If you don’t like my own views feel free to share your own views and why?

If you like my views, well thank you and continue that way.

Cheers

Its Date Days Baby

The Way You Are

I have had a very very short time on earth and in that little period I have seen so many people underrate themselves, under-value themselves and some just plainly look at themselves and see absolutely nothing worthy. To me, this is simply a recipe for disaster.

Human beings will seek to get as much as they can from such people, be it physical or material as long as they are sure that you don’t know your worth and are simply looking for people to approve of you.

Well today, true to my style and theme I write this to all insecure girls out there and hope this helps you.

I can’t speak for everyone out there but for myself I would say, I’m a decent guy(at least many babes have told me so) :p and I will like to believe that there are a number of decent guys out there.

I tend to always want to look out for the best in people. Half the time I ignore their faults and although it comes back to haunt me a lot I always feel I have done my teeny weeny bit in helping the person.

And if I tell a girl I like her, tharizzit for me. But I’ve come to learn that many girls will rather block someone out because of insecurity issues and other related woman palaver but how I wish that for that moment in time they will just trust that we are not all out to ‘use and dump’ you.

This is my Motto:
If I meet a girl and she thinks she is ugly, not my fault, I like you just the way you are.

If I tell you I like your feet and you tell me you think you have ‘yams’, I like you just the way you are.

You hide a part of you when we are in deep conversations, well I would like you to give me more but still I like you just that way.

I tell you that you have a wonderful shape and all you see is a fat blurb, well I like you just the way you are.

I tell you that you have nice eyes, you say you need contact lenses, I like you just that way.

I tell you that you have a great sense of humor but you keep hiding that part of you because your ‘ex’ didn’t like you, I still like you that way.

I tell you that you dress well but you like going out mostly at night so that people won’t scrutinize you that much, well I like you that way.

Believe me just this once and let us together come out of this dark alley you find yourself in.

All I’m saying is, not all guys want a perfect girl and a girl that is ‘all that’. All we want is someone who is comfortable in their own skin and who is ready to learn and improve herself. #shikena

But you see, even as a decent guy there is a limit to which I can ignore your insecurities and not allow it affect me.

Another ‘decent’ guy might not be so patient and quickly move on to the next P and leave you in a worse condition.

Other guys will happily do ‘chop & clean mouth’. (God dey)

You need to start to see a better you before anyone else will see a better you.

You need to build your confidence and not depend on your mood or state of mind to know whether to smile or not.

There is someone out there that will fall absolutely and madly in love with you ‘THE WAY YOU ARE’ but you have to be ready and allow them love you. If not, they will get away.

Now you might ask how does someone go from being insecure to being a confident person.

*inserts beyonce’s Who Run The World*
I might not like her but in ‘your own world’ you have to first believe that you run it. You are in charge of your life and only you can determine what goes on in there.

You have to have a great structure support i.e. Family and friends. Refer to my post on this topic so that you understand who and what friends and family really are and the role they are to play.

For me, you have to have a personal and wonderful relationship with GOD. There are things that only He can understand and will definitely just calm your nerves and give you an unexplainable warmth in your heart. Don’t believe me, Try it today?

Ask yourself this question: when you wake up in the morning and look at the mirror what do you see?

So, again I have come with all my crazy and funny stuff I know, I wrote this 1month ago but it didn’t feel right to post it then.

Insecurity has robbed people of discovering themselves. Now all we see is people bending themselves to fit the ‘spec’ of the person they are with at any particular time. This is so not right! Or is it?

What’s your take on the whole issue?

How can you and I be of help to people that are insecure?

How can we make relationshiposphere a better place?

As usual share your opinions in the comment box.
Cheers.

P.S. For the first time I wrote on someone else’s blog and tried my hands on humour. Check it out at http://kevinwithanl.wordpress.com , its titled Must Read. Lemme know what you think. Thanks.

The Veil

This is a post someone sent to me to read and I just decided to share with people.

It’s an amazing piece and I hope someone leaves this place today with some lessons learned and a couple of tips.

Enjoy!

When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I’ve got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn’t know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn’t seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question.

This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn’t talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn’t love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said, for I loved Jane so dearly.

Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn’t have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and fell asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn’t want anything from me, but needed a month’s notice before the divorce.

She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month’s time and she didn’t want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month’s duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife’s divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn’t had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain.

From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don’t tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn’t looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn’t tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me, she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it’s time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn’t noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office, jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind…I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won’t divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn’t value the details of our lives, not because we didn’t love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.
Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I’ll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed – dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.– At least, in the eyes of our son— I’m a loving husband….

Normally I would write something here and try to make sense of this story. But today I will leave you guys to just do the talking.

Cheers.

McDREAMy II

Is This The Truth?

Welcome people.

Last Time we had a story about a dream girl and many girls had their say on it and felt we were over-reaching and being unrealistic. If you missed it read it here https://bulejr.wordpress.com/2011/06/21/mcdreamy/

Its only fair that we have their own side of the story and allow them dream as well Right?

So I got my good friend @ukabah(who happened to be the most outspoken person on that post) to write the female response to McDREAMy.

Enjoy!!

So we all saw @bule_jr’s dream girl but as the name implies, she was only in his dreams.

My dream guy will be 6ft 4inches, well -built, not enough to scare people away but enough to look like Zeus; shirt-less.

He is handsome beyond words, with a sexy smile that starts with a little curve at the side of his mouth and slowly widens to display perfect teeth.

His laugh is magical and can make all my problems seem unimportant, his touch is gentle, his words always kind.

He speaks English, Espanol and Italian(ah bellisima!) fluently. He would have eyes that look into the soul, he would love, care and understand with all his heart.

He will always be there no matter what, he would give up the world for me, give his whole heart to me. He would know when I need him, just by looking at me, no need for words.

He would control my moods easily, when he kisses me, the world would cease to exist and only that moment would matter.

Ah! Could my eyes be deceiving me? He’s sitting right there in the corner at the restaurant. His hair slicked back so sexy, his suit looking like it was made on him, his hands smooth and nails well manicured.

His Italian shoes tapping gently to the music playing. This has to be him, he fits my description in every way, he is perfect! He had those eyes, the ones that just let me know he would be all I need and more.

Could he be waiting for someone?

Anger boiled inside me thinking about how a lady could keep a treasure like this waiting, if he were mine, I’d never let him out of my sight.

I watched patiently, thinking of what could possibly make good conversation between us, what excuse would I have to go over there?

Do I write a note and give to the waiter to take to him? Or do I go over and hope I don’t make a fool of myself.

Finally, I summon the courage and smooth down the skirt of my dress. Just as I get to my feet I see him; a much older man, coming straight for Mr Perfect’s table.

I relax…it’s not a girl after all, business meeting perhaps?

So perfect and hard-working…this is too good to be true. *sigh*

Still making my way over very slowly, I stop suddenly.

Why are they hugging tightly?

Why did the old man’s hands slightly run up Mr Perfect’s back?

And why when they sat down, were they still holding hands across the table?

And then it happened, the older one leaned across and kissed my Mr Perfect lightly on the lips.

Now it all made sense, what was I thinking?

So that’s that. I have to say thank you to the beautiful @ukabah for a very nice write up.

But again this is just a response for the guys to come and defend themselves after they felt battered last time around. :D

Are the girls over-reaching as well?

Are there really perfect Guys out there?

Does anybody’s dream spouse come true?

Feel free to share your comments about the perfect guy and whether its right for them to dream or they should just manage anything that comes our way.

Cheers people.

Relationships = Jamb

Lets Just Be friends.

Ever had a Girl tell you those four words? Err…..No i’m not talking about “Femi, I Love You”. yes that has actually been said but that is not why we are here. I Am talking about  “Let’s Just Be Friends.”

Most times it goes thus.

You meet a girl and initially its genuinely platonic and you talk every now and then and have the occasional hangout.

Just normal as per guys no wan fall hand.

But with time you realise that you talk everyday and subconsciously you are always planning how to see her often and arrange ‘P’.

At this time, you are still in denial that she is just a friend. When quizzed by your friends you claim that there is nothing more to it, but anytime you see her there is just that awry smile on your face, yeah you are not in love but you are smitten by her.(bless your soul)

Then you realise whats going on but most times its always too late as you are in way too deep and you now decide to make the ‘P’ official.

Thing is many babes dun open eye now and  if you are not upfront and direct from the off they just think you are a shareful(no pun intended) giver and just tag along for the free rides. And really i can’t blame them. Or can you?

Its unofficially written, Guys are allowed to be h*es and girls are allowed to milk guys. As long as no physical interaction a girl wont see anything wrong and just carry on.

Before any girl kills me, boys are also guilty of this and after getting down with a girl a couple of times and whether for insecurity issues or for clarification purpose she asks “what are we doing”?. The guy says i thought we were just having fun and i’m not ready for anything serious. This happened to a close family member so yeah its no hypothesis.

Anyway, these four words can also be a positive depending on how one chooses to view his glass.

It saves from expending resources, emotions and time and always means you can come back later on and try again. Right? NO? in fact i am lost myself.

Why is it so hard to hang out with someone new for a while without just beginning to develop feelings for the person.

Why is remaining friends with someone cool just down right hard?

Why do we often like people that most times we just cannot get into a relationship with?

Why do cool people at times fall out of our reach?

Why does being friends have the be our only option?

At times we want more than that.

But thats just the pride in us talking.

In the end it might be whats best for us and we know it.

But we cant shake off the “what if”?

*sigh*

WE might not like it but we accept: “Lets Just be friends.”